Common Retail Quotes, Translated

We are in the final days of the Christmas shopping season.  The last-minute shoppers are heading out and mixing in with those finding the final few items on their gift lists.  Stores are staying open crazy hours.  And the employees – oh, those poor employees – are tired of dealing with impatient and rude shoppers who have no respect for them.

Back in my college days, I worked retail and the holiday season was nuts – and that was before stores felt the need to stay open until midnight.  During that time, I learned that the polite things retail workers say with a smile on their face often have hidden meanings.

Here are some common retail expressions, translated to English:

“Are you finding everything alright?”

The meaning depends a lot upon the store you’re in, as well as the time of day.  For example, if you’re at Target 10 minutes to closing time it means: “Get the hell out”.

At a nicer clothing store, it means “I work on commission and am staking my claim on you.”

If you’re at Wal-Mart, it means “I’ve only worked here for two weeks, and I don’t know any better.”

“Can I help you find a size?”

I guarantee that if somebody is asking you this question you’re standing at a table of folded merchandise, because that sales associate is thinking “Quit rooting through that shelf of nicely folded sweaters looking for a size we don’t carry.  I have to re-fold those before I can go home.”

Seriously, nobody is ever asked this question standing next to a rack of items on hangers, because you can find it your damn self without making a mess.

“Let me check in the back.”

The true meaning of this one ultimately comes down to the personality of your sales clerk.  If they’re lazy, it means: “I’d really like to check my phone / get a quick drink / talk about you behind your back for a few minutes.”

But if they are passive aggressive, this one means “We don’t have it, but I want to make you wait with your hopes up, before I shoot you down.” 

“Everything we have is out.”

“There might be some more in the back, but I don’t feel like checking.”

“Would you like to open a store credit card to save an extra 10%?”

“I could give a crap about saving you money, but I get $4 for every credit card application I submit.  Besides, with the 23.9% APR on that card, you’re going to lose money anyway.”

“Go call the 800 number on your receipt to complete a short survey about your experience today.”

“Please take 15 minutes out of your day to suffer through an automated voice survey about a generic retail transaction.  If you say nice things about me, I can get $4.”

“Can I start a dressing room for you?”

“I am paid based on how much I sell, so I want credit for that giant stack of clothes you’re carrying around.”

“Did you find everything you were looking for?”

“Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.  Because I don’t want to go exploring through the store for something we don’t carry.”

The Insanity of Black Friday

I saw on the news where folks were already camping out for some of the Black Friday sales – on Sunday, a solid five days before the sales start.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

These people are giving up hours and days of their lives, choosing to camp outside a store – many times in cold weather – all for the sake of saving money?  I’m no economist*, but it just doesn’t seem worth it.

*Seriously, I’m not.  In college, my major required me to take a basic Econ course.  I was so bad at it that I got to take it twice.  That is one of the many reasons I was lucky to marry a “numbers girl” who loves financial stuff. 

Without her, I’m likely retiring to the comfort of a cardboard box while trying to sell my kidneys on Craigslist.  There’s a reason this site isn’t FeitCanFixFinances, people.

You can find all sorts of calculations (both simple and complex) to determine what an hour of your time is worth.  A very simplistic (and therefore, easy for me to use) version can be found here, and goes like this:

1. Take your annual salary/wages.
2. Divide that number by 2000 (50 working weeks at 40 hours per week)
3. Divide that number in half (taxes, Social Security, etc)
4. The result is a rough estimate of what your time is worth per hour.

For somebody making $50,000 a year, an hour your time is worth approximately $12.50.  At $30,000 a year, it’s around $7.50.  A minimum wage worker’s time is worth $4.50 an hour.

So for those fools who are spending 100+ hours in line for Black Friday deals, you may be saving $400 on that new TV or computer, but you are almost definitely losing money overall (not to mention free time, a holiday with family, personal comfort and warmth, and likely your sanity) sitting outside Wal-Mart.

Good job!

My 2 cents: Shopping on Thanksgiving

Over the past few weeks, I’ve seen and heard a lot of criticism aimed at retailers (like Kmart, Toys “R” Us,  and others) who will be open for business on Thanksgiving.  Many people find this horribly offensive and have taken Facebook pledges not to shop on Thanksgiving or to completely boycott stores that are open today.

Your heart is in the right place, even if you are full of crap.

I understand where they are coming from.  Thanksgiving is a holiday where families come together to express their love and appreciation for the blessings they have.  Few people want to miss out on that time together – especially to work a cash register for $8.75 an hour.  Having stores open on Thanksgiving is a textbook example of corporate greed trumping what the employees want.

But the pledges and boycotts are a bunch of hypocritical crap.  No matter how much we believe otherwise, people are going to have to work on Thanksgiving (and other holidays, for that matter).

Obviously, there are the people in jobs that are essential to a safe and civilized society:  police, fire, doctors, nurses, EMTs, snow plow drivers, and our military men and women serving our country.  I don’t see anybody pledging not to dial 911 today because we believe Gladys should be home with her family, so let’s raise a turkey leg in honor of those who simply must work today.

Beyond those core professions, there is another layer of workers in transportation jobs who will be clocking in today.  It’s probably not necessary to have airplanes flying, subways and taxis running, or even have somebody working at that gas station along the interstate – but let’s face it, it sure as hell makes our lives easier.  There are a lot of people who need to work so you can catch that flight back home, or even pay for your unleaded.  But nobody is proposing that we all stay home on Thanksgiving.

Let’s dig deeper.  You’ve pledged to not shop on Thanksgiving.  You vow that you will spend the day enjoying the company of family.  Good for you.  But…what is that in the background?  Is part of your family tradition to watch one of the multiple NFL games being played today?  Were you listening to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade on while you were getting the turkey in the oven?

Now, we start to get into the true hypocrisy.  Where is the outrage over the people who have to work so we can have TV programming to watch?   Where is the protest for the reporters, cameramen, sound engineers, and on-air talent?  Or for the ushers, ticket takers, concession stand workers, and beer vendors at the football games?  Those folks have to work just as hard as the retail clerk at Wal-Mart, deal with the same amount of rude jerks, and will spend just as much time away from their families as the guy working retail.  But I guarantee that nobody will turn off the game or the parade because they “believe in family”.

I realize there are hundreds of other businesses and professions that I’ve omitted but the point is still the same:  where is the social media uproar?  Why do we care so much about people being pulled away from their families to work a crappy retail job, but not the crappy job parking cars at AT&T Stadium in Dallas or lugging sodas around Ford Field in Detroit?  Is it because some of us never had any desire to hit the stores on Thanksgiving anyway – or couldn’t go because you were stuck spending the day with your in-laws?  Nah, I’m sure that has nothing to do with it.

So if you wan to do some Christmas shopping or Black Friday bargain hunting today, be my guest.  I won’t judge.  Just remember who has your back this Christmas.

 

Safety, Schmafety

When our daughter was teething, we became big believers in using Hyland’s Teething Tablets to bring some immediate relief to her pain and discomfort.

Our one year old is currently working on a new tooth, and melted down into a wailing fit of crankiness the other night – right about the same time I realized that we were out of teething tablets*.  Lovely.

*And no, despite what your Aunt Mabel says, we did not rub schnapps/brandy/whiskey/grain alcohol on his gums.  If anybody is drinking to deal with teething trauma, it will be Daddy.

Since I did not want a repeat performance over the weekend, I went out late last week and purchased a new bottle over my lunch hour*.  When I got home, I took the bottle out of the box and set it on our kitchen counter.

*Two observations from my lunch time Walmart run: 

1) The 90-year-old lady working the register essentially told me that I didn’t need to purchase the tablets because “placing a damp wash cloth in the freezer works like a charm”.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her that neither of our kids were interested in chewing on frozen terry cloth, nor would my weekend plans involve being within 100 yards of a freezer, so she should just shut up and take my money.  Looking back on it now, I realize that I should have clarified her method.  Maybe the wash cloth does not actually leave the freezer and acts as a soothing transmitter.  Or maybe instead of dampening the rag with water, she used whiskey.

2) The north Walmart here in Lincoln is just as crazy at noon on a Thursday as it is on a weekend.  They must have been holding auditions for “People Walmart:  The Movie“.  Wowza.

Anyway, so the bottle is still on the counter when my wife brings the kids home from daycare.  As I’m talking to her, I look over and my four-year old has grabbed the bottle.  She’s opened it up, and is trying to fish the tablets out with her finger (don’t worry – we normally give the little guy four at a shot, and I doubt she got more than two).  I take the tablet bottle away from her and go to put the lid back on.  That is when I noticed this:

“SEALED FOR YOUR PROTECTION” apparently does not apply to four-year olds.

My four-year old daughter had somehow managed to open a brand new bottle without disturbing the safety seal.  Seriously, it was not torn, stretched, or otherwise altered.  The printing on the band – which reads “SEALED FOR YOUR PROTECTION” – laying there fully intact, mocking my faith in product safety measures designed to keep my kids safe.  And it is not like she was trying to see if she could open the bottle without disturbing the safety seal.  My girl is not exactly known for her subtlety in opening something – as witnessed by the dozens of boxes she has mangled while trying to open.

I would likely find it rather ironic that a four-year old was able to remove a medicine bottle cap with the safety ring still in one piece – except this is my kid we’re talking about.  If a four-year old could easily access a drug that is sealed for her protection, how do I know that her curiosity won’t get into a different medicine bottle without me knowing?

I do take some comfort in knowing that we keep our medicines out of the reach of little hands, and I know that teething tablets are closer to Tic Tacs than prescription narcotics.  That said, I’m still a little unsettled by the incident.  I feel like it is another reminder that as a parent I must always be on the look out for potentially dangerous situations to keep my babies safe.

I just didn’t expect it in this form.

Ad Review – Walmart – Steak-Over

Campaign: ”Steak-Over”

Campaign Theme in Haiku Format:

Walmart steaks so good
Restaurant diners are fooled?
Um, I’m skeptical.

Visual

Commentary

Okay…where to begin?

From a creative standpoint, this campaign is a clear and blatant rip-off of the classic “we’ve secretly replaced their gourmet coffee with Folger’s crystals” ads from the 70s and 80s.  I like creativity in my advertising.  I want to see something new and fresh, not a rehash of a 35 year old concept.

That said, stealing the Folger’s idea is absolutely brilliant.

Admit it:  when the guy says they’re replacing the steaks in some high-end steakhouse with Walmart steaks, your B.S. detector went off.  I know mine did.  We’re all thinking the same things:  there is no freakin’ way these people could a) not notice and b) actually enjoy it.  I’m guessing this is the same reaction my parents’ generation had when the Folger’s campaign was new.  The underlying message – if the patrons in these fancy-pants places can’t tell the difference, neither will my family – is tough to beat.

But as brilliant as their concept is, it does not work perfectly.

Things have changed quite a bit in the last 30+ years.  We are more skeptical and jaded then we used to be.  Everybody knows that many “reality” TV moments are carefully planned, staged, and even scripted.  Sure, these folks enjoyed their Walmart steaks, but how many other diners knew their meat was not as good as it usually is and sent their steaks back?  The on-screen disclaimer says “Real customers were shown and compensated for their time and participation.”  What does that mean?  Did the folks who raved about Walmart steak walk out with $500 gift cards to Walmart?  Were their reactions really that authentic?  Are we supposed to trust Walmart, a company that just admitted to tricking about of unsuspecting people?

Let’s focus back on their message.  I know the reaction I’m supposed to have is “Walmart steaks are so good I’d never know them from those served in an expensive steakhouse”.  But here is the reaction I had the first time I saw this ad:

“Man, I’d be so pissed if they did that to me.”

Seriously.  Imagine you’re out on a special date at a very nice restaurant.  This isn’t grabbing a bite at Applebee’s, I’m talking about a fancy place with cloth napkins, where you need reservations and probably dress up a little bit.  The kind of place you’re only going to a couple of times a year.  As you and your lovely date sit down at Jimmy Kelly’s Steakhouse, a well-known Nashville restaurant, you scan the dinner menu and decide that you are going to splurge on the ribeye ($36.75, not including sides, drinks, tax, or tip).  For $36.75, I’m expecting a damn good piece of meat, perfectly seasoned and grilled to my exact specifications.  I’m expecting a steak so good that I would never even consider tainting it with a drop of steak sauce.

Instead, they bring you out a piece of meat from Walmart.  Just typing out that scenario makes my blood boil.  I don’t care how delicious it is, I would be so, so mad.

It raises a question:  Why on earth would these well-known steakhouses agree to let Walmart do this?  It is a lose/lose proposition for them.  You either invite years of scrutiny upon your restaurant/chef/food because you knowingly served Walmart steaks.  And if the ad is successful, potential customers realize they can get equal quality beef at Walmart for $7.98 a pound, and have no need to pay you $36.75 for the same thing.  Essentially you have allowed Walmart to use your business to discourage people from using your business.  That is an interesting business strategy, Jimmy Kelly Steakhouse.  I hope you got some big bucks from Walmart.

I know there are some of you thinking that old Folger’s campaign didn’t hurt the business or reputation of those four-star places.  And you’re probably right, but there is a big difference here.

Coffee, while an integral part of a meal for some, is not why people go to a four star restaurant – the food is the reason.  If I go to a fancy place, my fabulous meal is not going to be ruined because I had a cup of mediocre instant coffee.  But that doesn’t hold true for these commercials.  Great steak is the cornerstone of a great steakhouse.  Jimmy Kelly Steakhouse may give me a free dessert for my participation, but every time I walk in there I’ll think about the time they gave me piece of meat that came from a store where the people watching has its own website.

Put it another way – if Folger’s revived their old campaign, do you think Starbucks would allow them to come into their stores and film people saying “This is really good.  Instead of spending $3.75 here for my coffee, I’ll use Folger’s from now on”?  Hell no.

And that is where this campaign ultimately falls apart.  Look:  I know you can get some nice, quality items at Wally-World, and in my experience, their fresh grocery items (meat, deli, produce) are probably on par with most other grocery chains.  But convincing me that a Walmart steak can pass for one at a great steakhouse?  That is just too high of a mountain to climb.

Grade:  D