Top 10 Things Harder Than Being A Pelini in Nebraska

On Wednesday, it was reported that former Nebraska defensive coordinator (and fired Florida Atlantic head coach) Carl Pelini had expressed interest in coaching a high school football team in Des Moines, Iowa.

In an interview with the Des Moines Register, Pelini explained his interest (he wants a job that allows him to be relatively close to his children in Nebraska).  He also gave some insight into the recluse-esque lifestyle he’s led since being fired from FAU:

“I came back to Lincoln (Neb.), kept to myself. I don’t even go to restaurants,” he said. “I spend (almost) 100 percent of time with my children, I teach school at the community college here. For about 15 months, I just have lived liked a hermit.”

Jokes aside, I do feel for the guy.  Say what you will about some of the choices he has (allegedly) made, it still sucks to not be able to do the thing you love and want to do.  Plus, it would be really hard to live in a city like Lincoln and not enjoy some of the wonderful local restaurants (Honest Abe’s, C. Berry’s, Lazarri’s, Sebastian’s Table, and Lazlos, to name a few).

But there was one quote from the interview that left a bad taste in my mouth:

“It’s hard to be a Pelini in Nebraska.”

Setting aside the obvious fact that nobody is forcing the architect of Carlfense to reside in the Good Life (or whatever we’re calling it this year), the simple fact remains that there are things harder to be in Nebraska than a Pelini.

Without further ado, I give you the Top Ten Things Harder Than Being A Pelini In Nebraska:

10.  Being an (alleged) adulterer and drug user trying to write a children’s book in Nebraska.

9.  Being a Jaysker in Nebraska.

8.  Being a liberal democrat in Nebraska.

7.  Being a fan of consistent, moderate weather in Nebraska.

6.  Being a fan of Iowa Hawkeye football in Nebraska.

5.  Being a flamboyant homosexual in Nebraska.

4.  Being a homosexual in a committed relationship in Nebraska.

3.  Being a hater of Nebraska football in Nebraska.

2.  Being unable to find work when your last job didn’t pay $472,500 a year in Nebraska.

1.  Being a Cosgrove, Pederson, or Callahan in Nebraska.

1-800-Name Brand Facial Tissue

Today, I grabbed a new box of Kleenex for my desk.  As I was removing the cardboard tab on top of the box, I noticed a toll-free customer service number for Kleenex.

This wasn’t some number buried at the bottom of a bunch of text in 5 point font.  Kleenex put their number (800-553-3639)* front and center on the tab, in a relatively large font, along with their hours (weekdays, 8 am to 4 pm, Central time).

*It was about halfway through writing this post that it dawned on me that 800-533-3639 is also 1-800-KLEENEX.  You’d think they would have gone with that.

My question is why?  Why does this number exist?  Why do people call it?  Why?

I feel very bad for the poor folks who have to man this phone line.  Imagine the calls they get and the kooks they have to deal with.

I’m guessing the top ten calls at the Kleenex hotline are as follows:

10.  “How do you fold those Kleenex in there so nicely?”

9.  “Will these protect me against Ebola?”

8.  “When are you going to admit defeat on trying to have us refer to your product as a ‘facial tissue’?  You know that like 95% of Americans know your product as a Kleenex, right?”

7.  “How many tissues do I need to stuff in my bra to become a C cup?”

6.  “How many times can I reuse this before I get snot all over my hands?”

I should call and let them know how much I am enjoying this!

5.  “Are these machine washable?”

4.  “I’m wrapping a present.  Can I use these tissues as a substitute for tissue paper?”

3.  “Yeah, this box says it contains 140 tissues.  I only counted 139.  Can you issue me a refund?  Oh wait, What’s that Mildred?  Two came out at the same time?  Okay, never mind.”

2.  Way too descriptive calls from folks concerned about the color, volume, viscosity of nasal discharge – all resulting in “you’d better call a doctor”.

1.  “Hi, I’m out of toilet paper and saw this box on top of the toilet.  Can I….”