Top Ten Reactions to Your Facebook Movie

As you may have heard, Facebook turned 10 years old this week.  To celebrate, they are creating a “look back” movie showcasing statuses and pictures from your account*.

*The cynic in me says Facebook is actually showcasing their ability to quickly mine your personal data, but whatever.

Everybody and their mom has taken advantage of this, and it is likely that your timeline is currently littered with variations on the following status:

Here’s my Facebook movie. Find yours at https://facebook.com/lookback/ #FacebookIs10

I’ve watched several of these and some are definitely better than others.  Some are getting rave reviews, and some…well…let’s just say that each movie is special in its own unique way.

Without further ado, the top 10 reactions to your Facebook movie:

10.  The plot was a little slow.

9.  Wow, it is getting killed on IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes (shout out to Derek Hernandez for this one)

8.  I was not expecting that much nudity.

7.  If this were the 80s, it would have gone straight to VHS.

6.  I liked the book better.  (shout out to Damien for this one)

5.  The cinematography was horrible.  Seriously, learn to work a camera.

4.  I really hope they don’t do a sequel.

3.  Siskel and Ebert gave it two middle fingers up.

2.  I was hoping the lead would be played by somebody better looking.

1.  Worst.  Movie.  Ever.

Top Ten Ways to Help the Royals Win Again

My poor Kansas City Royals.

They are in historically bad slump – which as any Royals fan in the last 25+ years will tell you, is really saying something.  They have lost eight in a row, and 19 of their last 23.  After spending most of April in first place, they are now in last.  In short, something needs to change.

Sure, they could fire Ned Yost, one of their two hitting coaches for a team with several starters hitting below .250 with absolutely no power, or they could replace those lousy batters with a bunch of guys from the minor leagues.  Any of those things might work.  Or they might not.  Given that we’re talking about the Royals, rational changes will probably just make things worse.

The Royals need to think outside the box.  Unconventional.  Drastic measures.

Fortunately, I know how the Royals can win again.  And no, I’m not referring to a “slumpbuster” as infamously described by Mark Grace.  Here are ten ways to help get the Royals back on a winning track:

10.  Through use of wigs, fake mustaches, costumes, and fat suits, Alex Gordon bats twice an inning.

Not really relevant, but I love this picture.

9.  Royal batters only need three balls to walk, but get four strikes.

8.  Opposing team must chug a Boulevard beer at every base.

7.  Cork.  Lots of it.  In the bats, the baseballs, the opponents gloves, in the hotdogs.  Anywhere.  Everywhere.

6.  Manager Ned Yost is replaced with a Magic 8 Ball.

Do the Royals have a hope of winning again?

5.  The fences are moved in 20 feet whenever KC bats.  No wait, make that 40 feet.

4.  Mascot Sluggerrr arranges lap dances for player who gets game winning hit.  (I shouldn’t have to mention this, but obviously that link is considered NSFW).

3.  Don Denkinger comes out of retirement to umpire Royals games (especially the interleague series with the St. Louis Cardinals).

Close enough.

2.  Longtime play-by-play man Denny Matthews broadcasts in the nude until the Royals win.

1.  Kansas City reschedules a 7:10 pm game for 7:10 am, and “accidentally” forgets to tell the other team.

Top 10 Rejected Names for the New LPS Development

I see that the Lincoln Public Schools board is tasked with naming a new retail development  being built on the land where the district office once stood.  The land became available after a disgruntled LPS employee set fire to a box of papers on her boss’s desk.  This caused the building to burn to the ground, which is bad.  But, Lincoln will be getting a Whole Foods, which is good.

For some unknown reason, my suggestions were rejected.  But I’ll share them here in the hopes that public opinion (from my tens of readers) can help one of these become reality:

10.  Arson Flats

9.  Profitting From A Felony Mall

8.  If this is what it took to get a Whole Foods, we would have burned this sucker down years ago.*

*Admittedly, a tad long, but I think it speaks to the mood of the community.  On a related note, what needs to burn down so we can get a Costco?

7.  Blazin’ Business Park

6.  Whole Schools

5.  LPS District Offices (Now with 100% more fire sprinklers!)

4.  Pyro Place

3.  The Shoppes At Smoldering Hill

2.  El Centro del Fuego

1.  Stop, Shop, & Roll

In all seriousness, I think something incorporating “Phoenix” makes a great deal of sense, if for no other reason than it would set up some dynomite cross-over marketing opportunites with the University of Phoenix.  Hey, whatever needs to be done to help the schools bring in some money to keep my taxes low, and pay our teachers a wage they deserve.