Tissue

1-800-Name Brand Facial Tissue

Today, I grabbed a new box of Kleenex for my desk.  As I was removing the cardboard tab on top of the box, I noticed a toll-free customer service number for Kleenex.

This wasn’t some number buried at the bottom of a bunch of text in 5 point font.  Kleenex put their number (800-553-3639)* front and center on the tab, in a relatively large font, along with their hours (weekdays, 8 am to 4 pm, Central time).

*It was about halfway through writing this post that it dawned on me that 800-533-3639 is also 1-800-KLEENEX.  You’d think they would have gone with that.

My question is why?  Why does this number exist?  Why do people call it?  Why?

I feel very bad for the poor folks who have to man this phone line.  Imagine the calls they get and the kooks they have to deal with.

I’m guessing the top ten calls at the Kleenex hotline are as follows:

10.  “How do you fold those Kleenex in there so nicely?”

9.  “Will these protect me against Ebola?”

8.  “When are you going to admit defeat on trying to have us refer to your product as a ‘facial tissue’?  You know that like 95% of Americans know your product as a Kleenex, right?”

7.  “How many tissues do I need to stuff in my bra to become a C cup?”

6.  “How many times can I reuse this before I get snot all over my hands?”

I should call and let them know how much I am enjoying this!

5.  “Are these machine washable?”

4.  “I’m wrapping a present.  Can I use these tissues as a substitute for tissue paper?”

3.  “Yeah, this box says it contains 140 tissues.  I only counted 139.  Can you issue me a refund?  Oh wait, What’s that Mildred?  Two came out at the same time?  Okay, never mind.”

2.  Way too descriptive calls from folks concerned about the color, volume, viscosity of nasal discharge – all resulting in “you’d better call a doctor”.

1.  “Hi, I’m out of toilet paper and saw this box on top of the toilet.  Can I….”

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