Common Retail Quotes, Translated

We are in the final days of the Christmas shopping season.  The last-minute shoppers are heading out and mixing in with those finding the final few items on their gift lists.  Stores are staying open crazy hours.  And the employees – oh, those poor employees – are tired of dealing with impatient and rude shoppers who have no respect for them.

Back in my college days, I worked retail and the holiday season was nuts – and that was before stores felt the need to stay open until midnight.  During that time, I learned that the polite things retail workers say with a smile on their face often have hidden meanings.

Here are some common retail expressions, translated to English:

“Are you finding everything alright?”

The meaning depends a lot upon the store you’re in, as well as the time of day.  For example, if you’re at Target 10 minutes to closing time it means: “Get the hell out”.

At a nicer clothing store, it means “I work on commission and am staking my claim on you.”

If you’re at Wal-Mart, it means “I’ve only worked here for two weeks, and I don’t know any better.”

“Can I help you find a size?”

I guarantee that if somebody is asking you this question you’re standing at a table of folded merchandise, because that sales associate is thinking “Quit rooting through that shelf of nicely folded sweaters looking for a size we don’t carry.  I have to re-fold those before I can go home.”

Seriously, nobody is ever asked this question standing next to a rack of items on hangers, because you can find it your damn self without making a mess.

“Let me check in the back.”

The true meaning of this one ultimately comes down to the personality of your sales clerk.  If they’re lazy, it means: “I’d really like to check my phone / get a quick drink / talk about you behind your back for a few minutes.”

But if they are passive aggressive, this one means “We don’t have it, but I want to make you wait with your hopes up, before I shoot you down.” 

“Everything we have is out.”

“There might be some more in the back, but I don’t feel like checking.”

“Would you like to open a store credit card to save an extra 10%?”

“I could give a crap about saving you money, but I get $4 for every credit card application I submit.  Besides, with the 23.9% APR on that card, you’re going to lose money anyway.”

“Go call the 800 number on your receipt to complete a short survey about your experience today.”

“Please take 15 minutes out of your day to suffer through an automated voice survey about a generic retail transaction.  If you say nice things about me, I can get $4.”

“Can I start a dressing room for you?”

“I am paid based on how much I sell, so I want credit for that giant stack of clothes you’re carrying around.”

“Did you find everything you were looking for?”

“Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.  Because I don’t want to go exploring through the store for something we don’t carry.”

Thought of the Day – 12/15/2014 – Pick up the Pieces

A marketing tip to help you from wasting your money this holiday season:

Almost without fail, if a product’s packaging touts the number of pieces you’re getting (“24 piece set!”  “72 pieces!”  “101 pieces!”), at least a quarter of those pieces are complete garbage or things that you will never, ever, ever use.

Even the world’s greatest mechanic or craftsman is probably not going to use all of the sockets and screwdrivers and whatnot in that big tool set.

Do you even know what all of those tiny spoons and forks are for in your set of formal tableware?

Unless you want your preteen niece to look like a rodeo clown, do not get her a big kit with 83 different colors of eye shadow.

Seriously, go for quality over quantity.

 

Groupon: Busting Virtual Doors Since 2008

This image was in my email this weekend:

On the surface, there is not anything that jumps out as being out of the ordinary.  Many businesses are trying to get an early start on their “Black Friday” business – even if it means potentially triggering the hypocrisy of people who think nobody should have to work on Thanksgiving selling things.*

*Unless, of course, the things being sold are concessions, souvenirs, or other items at one of the football games or parades being broadcast into your home while you display your indignant rage that people have to work on Thanksgiving.  That, we’re okay with.

But here is the thing about that image:  It was emailed to me by the fine folks at Groupon – a virtual marketplace that has…

(Warning: extreme caps lock abuse ahead)

ABSOLUTELY NO DOORS TO BUST.  NONE.  WHATSOEVER.

Seriously, Groupon.  Do you not have any understanding on what a “doorbuster” sale is?  Let’s ignore for a moment that most “doorbuster” sales are nothing more than an overhyped way of trying to stimulate Black Friday excitement for your Arbor Day sale.  Hell, let’s also set aside that the literal definition of a “doorbuster” (a sale so insanely good – or in such limited quantity – that consumers break down the store’s doors to get at the merchandise) invokes memories of violence, vandalism, and victims being trampled on Black Fridays past.  Maybe I can overlook all of that.

But if you’re going to going to play up the “doorbuster” angle, at least have a physical door that I can metaphorically bust down.

I’m guessing that you don’t want email subscribers showing up at your Chicago HQ looking to break down the doors to get at those “best deals”.

Until then, kindly choose other words to describe your sale.

The Insanity of Black Friday

I saw on the news where folks were already camping out for some of the Black Friday sales – on Sunday, a solid five days before the sales start.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

These people are giving up hours and days of their lives, choosing to camp outside a store – many times in cold weather – all for the sake of saving money?  I’m no economist*, but it just doesn’t seem worth it.

*Seriously, I’m not.  In college, my major required me to take a basic Econ course.  I was so bad at it that I got to take it twice.  That is one of the many reasons I was lucky to marry a “numbers girl” who loves financial stuff. 

Without her, I’m likely retiring to the comfort of a cardboard box while trying to sell my kidneys on Craigslist.  There’s a reason this site isn’t FeitCanFixFinances, people.

You can find all sorts of calculations (both simple and complex) to determine what an hour of your time is worth.  A very simplistic (and therefore, easy for me to use) version can be found here, and goes like this:

1. Take your annual salary/wages.
2. Divide that number by 2000 (50 working weeks at 40 hours per week)
3. Divide that number in half (taxes, Social Security, etc)
4. The result is a rough estimate of what your time is worth per hour.

For somebody making $50,000 a year, an hour your time is worth approximately $12.50.  At $30,000 a year, it’s around $7.50.  A minimum wage worker’s time is worth $4.50 an hour.

So for those fools who are spending 100+ hours in line for Black Friday deals, you may be saving $400 on that new TV or computer, but you are almost definitely losing money overall (not to mention free time, a holiday with family, personal comfort and warmth, and likely your sanity) sitting outside Wal-Mart.

Good job!

Thought of the Day – 10/14/2014 – Doors

When I go out to the local Big Box store, I’m always fascinated by the people who refuse to open a door for themselves.

Nothing is more American than walking out of your way to use an automatic door.

My 2 cents: Shopping on Thanksgiving

Over the past few weeks, I’ve seen and heard a lot of criticism aimed at retailers (like Kmart, Toys “R” Us,  and others) who will be open for business on Thanksgiving.  Many people find this horribly offensive and have taken Facebook pledges not to shop on Thanksgiving or to completely boycott stores that are open today.

Your heart is in the right place, even if you are full of crap.

I understand where they are coming from.  Thanksgiving is a holiday where families come together to express their love and appreciation for the blessings they have.  Few people want to miss out on that time together – especially to work a cash register for $8.75 an hour.  Having stores open on Thanksgiving is a textbook example of corporate greed trumping what the employees want.

But the pledges and boycotts are a bunch of hypocritical crap.  No matter how much we believe otherwise, people are going to have to work on Thanksgiving (and other holidays, for that matter).

Obviously, there are the people in jobs that are essential to a safe and civilized society:  police, fire, doctors, nurses, EMTs, snow plow drivers, and our military men and women serving our country.  I don’t see anybody pledging not to dial 911 today because we believe Gladys should be home with her family, so let’s raise a turkey leg in honor of those who simply must work today.

Beyond those core professions, there is another layer of workers in transportation jobs who will be clocking in today.  It’s probably not necessary to have airplanes flying, subways and taxis running, or even have somebody working at that gas station along the interstate – but let’s face it, it sure as hell makes our lives easier.  There are a lot of people who need to work so you can catch that flight back home, or even pay for your unleaded.  But nobody is proposing that we all stay home on Thanksgiving.

Let’s dig deeper.  You’ve pledged to not shop on Thanksgiving.  You vow that you will spend the day enjoying the company of family.  Good for you.  But…what is that in the background?  Is part of your family tradition to watch one of the multiple NFL games being played today?  Were you listening to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade on while you were getting the turkey in the oven?

Now, we start to get into the true hypocrisy.  Where is the outrage over the people who have to work so we can have TV programming to watch?   Where is the protest for the reporters, cameramen, sound engineers, and on-air talent?  Or for the ushers, ticket takers, concession stand workers, and beer vendors at the football games?  Those folks have to work just as hard as the retail clerk at Wal-Mart, deal with the same amount of rude jerks, and will spend just as much time away from their families as the guy working retail.  But I guarantee that nobody will turn off the game or the parade because they “believe in family”.

I realize there are hundreds of other businesses and professions that I’ve omitted but the point is still the same:  where is the social media uproar?  Why do we care so much about people being pulled away from their families to work a crappy retail job, but not the crappy job parking cars at AT&T Stadium in Dallas or lugging sodas around Ford Field in Detroit?  Is it because some of us never had any desire to hit the stores on Thanksgiving anyway – or couldn’t go because you were stuck spending the day with your in-laws?  Nah, I’m sure that has nothing to do with it.

So if you wan to do some Christmas shopping or Black Friday bargain hunting today, be my guest.  I won’t judge.  Just remember who has your back this Christmas.