restaurants

Thought of the Day – 11/25/2014 – Drive Thru Bacon

Here’s the deal:  It’s damn near 1 am on a Tuesday and I’m fighting the urge to cook up some bacon*

*Why?  Because a man’s desire for bacon is not restricted by concepts of time and space.  Said desire is primal.

But cooking bacon at 1 am on a school night is  rather silly.  I don’t want the noise, the grease, the clean up, the chance that one of the kids might wake up and want my bacon.

My thought is that there should be a way I can have bacon with no muss and very little fuss – and I’m not talking about that pre-cooked stuff in the box or jar of bacon bits.  So here is a million dollar idea that somebody should jump on:

Drive Thru Bacon restaurants.  Drive up, place your order, pull ahead to the second window, pay and be on your way with a Two Slice Snacker, a Big Bacon Combo, or a Super Swine Sampler featuring multiple varieties of bacon.

And I’m not talking about the crappy bacon some restaurants put on a burger or that wafer thin crap you get in a hotel. I’m talking about some quality, thick cut stuff, possibly peppered or maybe with a hint of maple.

Somebody needs to get on this.  Now.

Chicken Dance of Joy

It was with great joy that I learned that chicken sandwich giant Chick-fil-A will open their first Lincoln location sometime this year.  I love me some Chick-fil-A.  I love the chicken, the waffle fries, the sweet tea, and their sauce.

Oh that sauce…it’s one of those magical condiments that makes anything else taste better.

Plus, it will be a nice upgrade from the other chicken-only chain in town:  Raisin’ Canes.  This may be sacrilegious to some, but for a place that only does chicken fingers, the chicken at Canes isn’t all that great.  Heck, I’d argue the chicken is middle of the pack in the food they do serve:

  1. Cane sauce.  It’s an odd BBQ-ranch hybrid, but it works.
  2. Fries.  A good mix of crispy, crinkly, and salty.
  3. Sweet tea.  Until Chick-fil-A arrives, it’s the best sweet tea one can get in Nebraska.
  4. Texas toast.  Good, but not great.
  5. Chicken fingers.  It’s not that they’re bad, but they’re definitely not a standout.
  6. Cole Slaw.  I’m not a cabbage and mayo sauce guy, but the Cain’s version is not very good.

Don’t mind if I do.

The biggest challenge will be getting to eat there.  The location particularly close to home or work, and given the way Lincoln loves its chain restaurants, the place will probably be packed for months and the drive-thru line will be 15 cars deep – even on Sundays.*

*Chick-fil-A is closed on Sundays.  Get it?

Like anything else, there is some bad that comes with the good.  Aside from a dramatic spike in Chick-fil-A commercials, we’ll also get a front row seat whenever the next political controversy involving the chicken chain arises.  The conservative Christian company leadership will be favored and respected by many Nebraskans.  Personally, I just want to enjoy a #1 combo without having to weigh the sociopolitical implications of my lunch choice.

Thought of the Day – 4/30/2013 – Eat Fresh, Smell Rotten

Allow me to do my Jerry Seinfeld impression*:

What is the deal with that smell at Subway restaurants?

*Pretty good, huh?

All Subway restaurants have that smell.  Every single one of them (and I’ll freely admit to eating at Subways all across America during my business travel days).  You know the smell I’m talking about…or at least I hope you do.  I can’t really describe the aroma (my nose is not connected to the part of my brain that conjures descriptive adjectives).  It’s not a horrible or nauseating smell, but it is always present.  It is distinctive, and you’ll never smell it anywhere other than a Subway.

I assume the odor is from their freshly baked bread, except that freshly baked bread doesn’t smell like that.  If it did, real estate agents would encourage people selling their homes to burn microwave popcorn to make their houses smell homey and inviting.  More appropriately, I’d guess the silicone trays they bake the bread in are a potential culprit.

Regardless, the stench is everywhere.  I ate at a Subway for lunch and all afternoon I was very conscious of the fact that I was omitting the Subway odor.  My apologies to the clients and co-workers I stood next to.  I tried to keep my distance.  Really, I did.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to go home, shower, and change clothes.

And that was only after a quick meal.  I’m guessing most Subway Sandwich Artists* go home and douse themselves in gasoline to get rid of that smell.  I would not be at all surprised if the Subway smell contributes to some type of black lung disease like coal miners get.  Years from now, there will be a late night commercial about a class action lawsuit against Subway like those mesothelioma ads you see now.

*Sandwich Artists.  Pfft.  What a fluffed up, load of crap job title.  Painting is art.  Sculpting is art.  Photography is art.  Singing is art.  Cooking can be art.  Putting cold cuts and pickles on bread is not art.  Sanitation Engineers mock your trumped-up title.

Apparently, Subway knew better than to play up the artistry angle too much in their advertising, which is truly a shame.  I’d love to see a commercial profiling a Sandwich Artist, complete with dramatic lighting, cinematic direction, and the following narration by a Masterpiece Theater-type voiceover guy:

“He’s the Picasso of the pepperoni.  The Georgia O’Keefe of the roast beef.  A Dali of the deli meats.  He’s like Edvard Munch when he makes your lunch.  Come experience the fine art of sandwich making at your neighborhood Subway.”

My suggestion:  Subway restaurants should install a decontamination station by the door where folks can have the Subway funk removed.  Simply step inside a shower stall-like booth, put a dollar in the slot and select your desired fragrance (Fabreeze, Axe body spray, old lady perfume, or Lysol).  Car wash sprayers extending from the wall would mist you from head to toe, leaving you smelling fresh.

Why You Shouldn’t Take A Girl To Perkins For A First Date

A little background on this one…

The lovely Mrs. Feit Can Write came to me with a request and a story:  an intern at her company had managed to land a date with one of the other interns.  For their first date, he was planning to take her to Perkins.  Yes….that Perkins.

My wife and her co-workers tried to explain to the young lad why this was such a bad idea – especially if he hoped to get a second date.  Unfortunately, they struggled to eloquently articulate* why this was a bad plan in words besides “Why?” and “Dear God, no.”

*Mrs. Feit Can Write is a self-proclaimed “numbers girl”.  She works with other numbers people doing a number-centric job that quite frankly, I don’t understand.  I think she is a transponster, but I’m not really sure.  I’m secretly hoping she gets a new job so I can once again understand what she does all day.

After Mrs. Feit Can Write explained the situation, she asked me to take on a freelance writing assignment:  Provide her a list of 10 reasons why you just don’t take a first date to Perkins.  We negotiated a fair price for my work*, and I set out to create the list below.

*Lunch with my lady, and permission to publish here.  It goes to show that if you are in need of freelance writing, I am willing to work cheap.  If you need a talented writer cheap, let me know.

So without further ado, I give you:

Why you don’t take a first date to Perkins:

  1. Typically, you buy them breakfast AFTER the first date, not as the first date.
  2. You’re not 75.
  3. Perkins doesn’t serve alcohol, so she can’t drink you handsome.
  4. Nothing says romance like the Perkins crowd of drunks, elderly, and um…who else goes to Perkins again?
  5. If your thing is “breakfast served all day” chain restaurants (and what girl doesn’t LOVE that?) you should take her to Denny’s so you can use menu items like “Grand Slam” and “Moons Over My Hammy” as the basis for sexual innuendo.
  6. Egg farts are not sexy – especially from her.
  7. Perkins is more a second date place.  For a first date you want to impress her with pie, which means Village Inn.
  8. You don’t want her to be disappointed with the size or quality of the sausage.
  9. McDonald’s has a perfectly good breakfast menu, allowing you to save your precious money for eHarmony after this girl dumps you.
  10. Because you would like to have a second date.

As of this post, I know that the intern has seen the list.  However, I do not know if he has been convinced to take this girl somewhere better like Olive Garden, Hi-Way Diner, or the Tastee Inn & Out.

Thought of the Day – 7/31/2012

Recently, I’ve been seeing a number of commercials for Domino’s new “oven baked sandwiches”.  As far as commercials go, they are pretty bland and forgettable (as witnessed by the fact that these may be the only commercial produced in the last ten years that I cannot find on YouTube).

But during my 31st viewing of the ad, something stuck out.  An actress (playing the role of “Cutest Girl To Ever Work In Fast Food”) tried to sell me on their fancy, schmancy sammiches by telling me they are:

“Made with only our finest ingredients!”

Well, sure.  Call me naive, but when I order food from a mediocre pizza chain, five-star restaurant, or anything in-between I really like to believe that whatever I’m ordering is “made with only their finest ingredients.”

But this raises questions…

  • What does Domino’s do with the ingredients that are not their finest?  (Readers, insert your own joke about Domino’s pizza here)
  • Does Domino’s have somebody at each store who sifts through all of the ingredients, setting aside the fine ones for the sandwiches?
  • What is the definition of “finest ingredients” for a Domino’s?  I’m guessing their bar is a little lower than the chef at that five-star restaurant (or even your local Applebee’s).
  • Does Domino’s knowingly purchase inferior ingredients for use in other products?
  • If you’re considering buying a sandwich from Domino’s is the quality of ingredients really your chief concern?
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