Rejected Food Cannons

On Wednesday, the University of Nebraska – Omaha hockey team announced that their 2015-2016 home games will feature a taco cannon –  a glorious combination of compressed air, delicious meats, tortillas, and ‘Merican engineering.

Someone will take a taco to the face. pic.twitter.com/MOqwzJ5elC

— Voodoo Taco (@TacoVoodoo) April 22, 2015

With this new addition, the University of Nebraska system* is now a leader in firing free food to fans.  The University of Nebraska – Lincoln has featured Der Viener Schlinger, a giant hot dog gun, for almost 20 years.

*Hey, University of Nebraska – Kearney.  Where you at?  What delicious foodstuff are you shooting at your fans?  If you want to join Lincoln and Omaha in D-1 grandeur, you need to step up your game.

I’m trying to wrap my head around the logistics of firing a taco from a air-powered cannon.  Having caught a hot dog from Der Viener Schlinger a few years back, I can attest that not all foods are ideal for being fired 100 feet into the air.  The dog I received was in a Ziploc bag, taped closed (presumably, for maximum aerodynamic efficiency), and looked crumpled and sad.  The good news is the journey from the sideline to row 47 had no impact on the taste.

The better question is:  What other foods were considered as cannon fodder?  What delicacies sounded good in theory, but failed in testing (they do test these things, right?)  Luckily, the cousin of a friend of a guy I know from a thing runs the Zamboni for UNO Mavericks game.  He gave me a rundown on the food cannons that were rejected:

The research team hard at work in the lab (image via technabob.com)

•  Spam.
• Jumbo shrimp cocktails (naturally, an oversized gun operated by a midget, with cocktail sauce chaser).
• Personal pizzas, fired by a clay pigeon thrower.  (Skeet shooter not included).
• Snow cones.
• Eggs (“Why do they always come scrambled?”)
• Turducken.

“Heads up!  Turducken a comin’!”

•  Spaghetti and meatballs.
• Pho
• Nachos.  (Think tortilla chips fired from a shotgun, followed by a water gun blast of piping hot cheese sauce.  Want jalapeno with that?)
• Watermelons

It never gets old.

 

• Salad.  (Attempts to “ramp up” your mom’s Salad Shooter did not go well).

Nebraskans can have theirs with Dorothy Lynch. (photo via morbidholiday.com)

•  Cans of soda or beer

• For weddings, there is the Rice Cannon, which plays Pachelbel’s Canon in D.
• Whole roasted pigs

It’s still good, it’s still good!

 

Rejected Freedom Trophies

Nebraska and Wisconsin unveiled the “Freedom Trophy” that both teams will play for on Saturday.  The bronze trophy has a football stadium (half of Nebraska’s Memorial Stadium, and half of Wisconsin’s Camp Randall) with a giant American flag blowing above it.  It is breathtaking in it’s generic beauty, forced patriotism, and lack of meaningful connection to the two schools.

But the current Freedom Trophy was not the only design considered by the Big Ten’s Nondescript Trophy Committee.  They also considered several other freedom-inspired trophies including:

• A 40 pound bronze bust of Husker freshman tight end Freedom Akinmoladun.
• Free tuition awarded to any Wisconsin or Nebraska student who can correctly spell “Akinmoladun”.
• A slightly used cassette tape of George Michael’s “Freedom ’90” from Barry Alvarez’s glove box.
• A bald eagle wearing an Uncle Sam top hat, clutching Hitler and Bin Laden in its talons.
• A stuffed Bucky Badger wearing a Free LP shirt.
• A bronze sculpture of Mount Rushmore that plays “America F__ Yeah!” when you press George Washington’s nose.
• a 1:100 scale replica of the NYC Freedom Tower.  Measuring 17.76 feet, it is the tallest trophy in sports.
• The Heroes Trophy (presented by Hy-Vee!) with “Iowa” and “Heroes” crossed out and replaced with “Wisconsin” and “Freedom”.
• A football helmet filled with Freedom Fries.
• A paper mache head painted to look like Mel Gibson in Braveheart.  If you pull the mullet, it recites the classic “Freedom” speech.
  

  I’d rather play for this meme than the actual Freedom Trophy.

• A VHS copy of Rocky IV, recorded from WGN, circa 1996.
• A statue of Abraham Lincoln (the “father of freedom”) wearing a badger head and stove-pipe hat.
• A bumper sticker that says “Merica – Love It Or Leave It.”
• The keys to every home and business in Freedom, Wisconsin (pop. 5,942).

Rejected Pumpkin Spice Products

Fall used to be a simple time.  Back to school.  Football season.  Halloween and Thanksgiving.

But in recent years, fall has been replaced.  The change of season marking the end of summer is can be summed up in two words:

Pumpkin Spice.

The return of the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte is a highly anticipated event and generates a cult-like following.  Eager to cash in, food and drink makers are all rushing to put out a pumpkin spice version of their product.  So far, I’ve seen Oreos, M&M’s, bagels, non-dairy creamer, and dozens of other products aimed at pumpkin spice fanatics.

How brand managers think in autumn.

Unfortunately, not all pumpkin spice products are home runs.  Some are horrible failures.  For example:

• Pumpkin Spice Brussels Sprouts
• Starkist Pumpkin Spice tuna
• Totino’s Pumpkin Spice Party Pizza
• Pumpkin Spice McRib
• Chlorox Pumpkin Spice Bleach
• Pumpkin Spice Coke
• Pumpkin Spice Rice
• Phillip’s 66 Pumpkin Spice Ethanol
• Ragu Pumpkin Spice Spaghetti Sauce
• Pumpkin Spice limes
• Hormel Pumpkin Spice Bacon
• Massengail Pumpkin Spice Feminine Hygiene Products
• Spicy Pumpkin buffalo wings
• Pumpkin Spice Noodles
• Pumpkin Spice Poodles
• Pumpkin Spice Cole Slaw
• Pumpkin Spice iPhone 6 (wait, that one would probably do really well)
• Pumpkin Spice rat poison
• Pumpkin Spice sauerkraut
• Camel pumpkin spice cigarettes
• Winchester pumpkin spice 12 gauge shotgun cartridges (perfect for turkey hunting!)
• Charmin pumpkin spice toilet paper

Rejected ALS Challenges

If you have ventured on to any social media platform in the last few weeks, you know that pretty much every person in the world is participating in the Ice Bucket Challenge to raise awareness (and maybe, just maybe generate a donation or two) for ALS.

If you are one of the few people on the planet not familiar with the challenge, it breaks down like this:

1. Person speaks directly into a cell phone camera and gives some spiel about being challenged by somebody higher up on the social media food chain.  Viewers resist the urge to fast forward to the good part.
2. The participant challenges three friends, family members, or random celebrities to do the same thing within 24 hours or pay a bribe…sorry, I meant “donation”…to get out of it.
3. A bucket of ice water is dumped over the participant’s head.
4. They shriek and scream like somebody who just had icy water dumped on their head.  Hilarity ensues.
5. Participant uploads the video to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, YouTube, MySpace, Geocities, and/or some random AOL chat room.

The viral popularity of the Ice Bucket Challenge is greater than anything anybody could have anticipated.  Donations are through the roof, awareness is off the charts.  I’m not sure if it could be going any better.

Or maybe it could…

Just imagine if the folks at ALS had decided to go with one of the other challenge finalists:

• Lukewarm bucket challenge
• Dry ice bucket challenge
• Rice bucket challenge (fried or steamed)
• Ice Ice Baby challenge
• Show me a receipt for your donation challenge
• Boiling water challenge
• Colonel’s 10 piece bucket challenge (original or extra crispy)
• Mice bucket challenge
• One big ass block of ice challenge
• What else will you do to avoid giving money to charity challenge
• Lou Gehrig challenge (have a descendant of Wally Pipp dump 2,130 of any item on you)
• Lucky Bucket challenge (Mmm….Lucky Bucket….)
• Ice Dixie Cup challenge
• Feit Can Write U-Haul Truck-It Challenge
• Lice bucket challenge – oh wait, that’s an old Fear Factor episode.
• Harlem Globetrotter bucket challenge
• Tell me what “ALS” stands for challenge

*   *   *

 Author’s Note:  I figured this was a pretty good entry in the WordPress Daily Challenge “Breaking the Ice”.

Rejected LeBron James “Decision” Ideas

The speculation on where NBA All Star LeBron James will go has been heating up ever since he opted out of his contract with the Miami Heat.  Rumors have him going to Los Angeles to become a Laker, back home to Cleveland, or even staying in Miami with a retooled lineup.

But with LeBron, the destination is only half of the equation.  Once he decides where he is going to go, how will LeBron announce it to the world?

Not how I would pick a team, but what do I know?

Arguably, he will not do another installment of “The Decision” – the one hour, live on ESPN special, where LeBron managed to piss off and alienate almost every person in America when he famously chose to “take (his) talents to South Beach”.

In announcing his next team, there are several different approaches that James can take.

Nice Try, Nebraska

The nice folks at the Nebraska Tourism Board have come out with a slogan for Nebraska, to be used in marketing to encourage people to visit this fine state:

Nebraska Nice

Seriously.  That’s what they came up with.  Apparently, this is an improvement over Nebraska’s current slogan “The Good Life”.

How can I put this nicely? FAIL

Understandably, many folks are not happy with the change.  This is especially true in my hometown of Gretna, where they have been using the town slogan of “The Great Life”.  When Nebraska was “The Good Life”, Gretna’s slogan was perfect in its simplicity and connection to the statewide slogan.

But now that it is “Nebraska Nice”, Gretna needs to rebrand to keep pace (I humbly suggest “Gretna Great!”).  Other cities and towns across Nebraska would be smart to do the same:  incorporate vaguely positive broad generalizations driven by alliteration.

Here are some suggestions put together by the same folks who brought you Nebraska Nice:

• Omaha Obnoxious
• Dorchester Docile
• Cozad Copacetic
• Super Superior
• Can’t Beat Beatrice
• Appropriately Pleasant Pleasant Dale
• Bee Nice
• Big Springs, Big Smiles
• Chipper Chappell
• Clean Colon
• Crushing on Cushing
• David FeitCanWrite City
• Eager Edgar
• Fairly Nice Fairbury
• Go Forth in Firth
• Friend Request
• Put the Fun in Funk
• Gandy Fine and Dandy
• Generic Geneva
• Gretna Great
• Hazard Healthy
• Juniata Bonita
• Loup City Love
• Merry Murray
• Nebraska City Nice City
• O’Neill O’Nice
• Ordinary Ord
• A Pal in Palmyra
• Plainview Plain
• Sprague Vague
• Sidney Simpatico
• Wymore?  Wynot!
• Who tan?  Yutan!
• Winnebago Winnning
• Winside Winsome

NFL Draft Walk Up Music – Four Ways (W)

For the first time, players chosen in the first round of tonight’s NFL draft will take the stage to walk-up music they picked.

There are just so many ways I can go with this.  So many, in fact, for me to decide upon my favorite.  Therefore, I give you NFL Draft Walk-Up Music four ways:

I – Friendly Suggestions for the Projected* Top 10 Picks

*based on USA Today mock draft

1.  Houston Texans.  Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina  

“Tears of a Clown” – Smokey Robinson & the Miracles  (honorable mention:  “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman)

2. St. Louis Rams.  Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn

“Mrs. Robinson” – Lemonheads

3. Jacksonville Jaguars.  Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson

“Keep Your Eye on the Sparrow”* – Sammy Davis, Jr.

*Aside from the whole Sammy Davis, Jr. for Sammy Watkins angle, there is no real reason for this song, but can’t you just picture The Commish getting his groove on to this funky track?

4. Cleveland Browns.  Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

“Flirtin’ With Disaster” – Molly Hatchet

5. Oakland Raiders.  Khalil Mack, OLB, Buffalo

Songs like “Return of the Mack”, “Mack the Knife”, and others are too predictable.  So how about this big Mack classic?

6. Atlanta Falcons.  Jake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M

“The Devil Went Down to Georgia” – Pomeroy

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  Mike Evans, WR, Texas A&M

“Born to Fly”* – Sara Evans

*Disclaimers:  I abhor country and/or western music, but “Mike Evans” doesn’t lend itself to a lot of musical ideas.  Also, if anybody in the Top 10 would go with a country song it would be a guy from Texas A&M.

8. Minnesota Vikings.  Blake Bortles, QB, Central Florida

Whenever I hear “Blake Bortles”, my mind goes to the Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers from the 1980s.  As classic as the “We thank you for your support” commercials were, they don’t really lend themselves to NFL Draft walk-up music.  So we go to Plan B – as in Bruce.

9. Buffalo Bills.  Taylor Lewan, T, Michigan

“Levon”* – Elton John.

*Close enough

10. Detroit Lions.  Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State

“I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General” – Gilbert and Sullivan

*   *   *

II – Rejected Walk-Up Songs

Because some songs, regardless of their eternal awesomeness, just don’t work for a setting like the NFL Draft.

• “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” – Cindi Lauper
• “Baby Got Back” – Sir Mix A Lot
• “Loser” – Beck
• “Dancing Queen” – ABBA
• “Ironic” – Alanis Morrissette
• “Little Green Bag” – George Baker Selection
• “Wake Me Up When September Ends” – Green Day
• “It’s Raining Men” – Geri Halliwell
• “Cold Hard Bitch” – Jet
• Anything from the “Frozen” Soundtrack
• “Just a Friend” – Biz Markie
• “Brown Eyed Girl” – Van Morrison
• “F*** You” – Cee Lo Green
• “You Know I’m No Good” – Amy Winehouse
• “99 Problems (But the Commish Ain’t One)” – Jay Z

*   *   *

III – Under the Radar Walk-Up Songs

The odds of any of these being used are slim to none*, but they would get noticed more than the draftee’s double-breasted aquamarine suit with purple pin stripes – and in a much more positive light.

*Oddly, as a white guy in my late 30s, my musical tastes differ from soon to be professional athletes in their early twenties.

• “Celebrate” – Rare Earth
• “Feels So Good” – 311
• “If I Had A Million Dollars” – Barenaked Ladies
• “Skills to Pay the Bills” – Beastie Boys
• “Runnin’ Down A Dream” – Tom Petty
• “Honor” – The Nadas (below)
• “The Fixer” – Pearl Jam
• “Just Got Paid” – ZZ Top

*   *   *

IV – Michael Sam Long Distance Dedications

I realize that Michael Sam, the Missouri linebacker who is poised to be the first openly gay player in the NFL, is not likely to be picked in the first round, but in compiling this post, there were several tracks that made me think of him and the adversity he is likely to face this year.

Disclaimers:  I have nothing but respect for Michael Sam, his athletic ability, and the gigantic microscope he now has to live under just for being the man he is.  I mean zero disrespect to Sam – or any other member of the LGBT community.  We’re just having some fun here.  If this list offends you, I apologize and refer you to the Duran Duran track below.

• “I’m Gay” – Bowling for Soup
• “Your Little Secret” – Melissa Etheridge
• “Break on Through” – The Doors
• “Come Out and Play” – Offspring
• “Strong Enough” – Sheryl Crow
• “It’s Not Unusual” – Tom Jones
• “Pride (In the Name of Love)” – U2
• “Relax” – Duran Duran
• “Living in America” – James Brown

*   *   *

(Author’s note:  Wondering why there is a random letter in parentheses in the title of this post?  Not sure how this post corresponds to the daily letter in the April A to Z Challenge?  Like clicking on links?  These questions are all answered here.)

Rejected Carl Pelini Children’s Books (R)

Last week, former Nebraska Defensive Coordinator) made some of his first public remarks since resigning as the head coach at Florida Atlantic University over allegations of marijuana and cocaine use.  This follows rumors of marital infidelity from his time at Nebraska.

Fear not friends.  Despite a rough end to 2013, Carl is doing well.  He’s visiting various college and pro teams in hopes of getting back into coaching, but more importantly, he finally found some time to finish up his novel.

Seriously.

We all know that the thought of a disgraced football coach writing a novel is comedy gold – especially said coach is the big brother of Nebraska coach Bo Pelini.

My No Coast Bias colleague Chris Hatch has already checked in with some excellent excerpts and cover art from Carl’s book.

“Hey! You! Read my $%#@%W book!” (photo courtesy HuskerLocker.com)

Since I a) have only read children’s books in the last five years, and b) really suck at Photoshop, I figured I would speculate on the children’s books Carl is likely working on for his next release:

• The Very Horny Caterpillar
• One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Crack Cocaine
• This Little Pelini Went to Jail
• Where The (Girls Gone) Wild Things Are
• Green Eggs and Weed
• Cloudy With A Chance of Mistress
• Pot the Bunny
• Chicka Chicka Bang Bang
• For the slightly older readers, a four-part Harry Potter-esque series:  Coach Pelini and the Chamber of Dirty Secrets / Coach Pelini and the Goblet of Four Loko / Coach Pelini and the Half-Stoned Punter / Coach Pelini and Genital Warts at Hogwarts
• The Little Pelini That Could
• Llama Llama Invisible Pajamas
• Puff the Magic Defensive Coordinator
• Old Pelini Had A Gram (E I E I O)
• Pot Goes The Weasel
• Where, O Where Has My Little Bo Gone?
• Humpty then Dumpty

*   *   *

While you’re here, I’d appreciate a quick vote in my poll to see which Incomplete post I should finish next:  Vote here.

(Author’s note:  Wondering why there is a random letter in parentheses in the title of this post?  Not sure how this post corresponds to the daily letter in the April A to Z Challenge?  Like clicking on links?  These questions are all answered here.)

 

Rejected Names for Bo Pelini’s Kitty (K)

Nebraska held their annual spring Red-White scrimmage today.  The highlight of the day happened before the game started.  Head Coach Bo Pelini lead the team out for their traditional Tunnel Walk carrying a cat.

Yes.  A football coach with a reputation for being surly carried a cat onto the field in front of 61,000 fans.  And then proceeded to hold it up in the air Lion King style.

God bless the Internet.

The video can be seen here.

Here is the quick back story:  There is a Bo Pelini parody account on Twitter (@fauxpelini) that is brilliant and hilarious.  The avatar Faux Pelini uses is Bo’s face Photoshopped onto a guy in a sweater holding a cat.  Bo has used Twitter to respond to Faux, and their tweets usually center around the cat.  So far in 2014, Bo has taken the cat on a recruiting trip, and the cat has hung out with Nebraska’s National Championship trophies.

But do we really know the cat’s name?  The Internet appears to have settled on Bo Purrini (which, of course has its own Twitter account).  Some hard-nosed investigative reporting by the Omaha World-Herald shows that the feline Bo raised to the Husker heavens is actually named Anya.

But my sources within the NU Athletic Department tell me that cat previously had some other names that went through a vigorous in-house screening but were ultimately rejected.  Fortunately, I found their list next to a urinal trough in the south stadium:

• Tomcat Osborne
• Steve Purrdersen
• Cornish Rex Burkhead
• Thank God @fauxpelini didn’t use a snake in his avatar
• Tabby Frazier
• John Purrpusschis
• Nine (lives for the cat, wins for Bo)
• Kat Purrbstreit
• Jeff Meowkavicka
• Kitty Bell
• Court Ordered Therapy Animal QX935-K
• Ameow Abdullah

*   *   *

(Author’s note:  Wondering why there is a random letter in parentheses in the title of this post?  Not sure how this post corresponds to the daily letter in the April A to Z Challenge?  Like clicking on links?  These questions are all answered here.)

Rejected Nebraska Tourism Slogans

A bill (LB 1024) was introduced in the Nebraska Legislature that would erase Nebraska’s official state slogan and allow the Nebraska Tourism Commission to create a new slogan and symbol.

Even though the current official state slogan is the little known (and rarely used) “Welcome to NEBRASKAland: Where the West Begins”, this bill has raised fears as many believe the state’s unofficial slogan (“The Good Life”) will also be chopped.

Setting aside the governmental ridiculousness that a bill must be passed to change a slogan to allow the tourism folks to sell Nebraska as a vacation destination, I’m perfectly okay with getting rid of “Where the West Begins.”  Let’s face it, the fine people on the Nebraska Tourism Commission don’t exactly have an easy job and we should do pretty much anything we can do to help them out.

But if they are going to replace “The Good Life” – which has appeared on the “Welcome to Nebraska” signs for decades – it had better be with something good.  Here are some ideas that may or may not make it out of legislative committee:

• The Neither Good Nor Bad Life
• Lots of cows, but no bull
• Welcome to NEBRASKAland:  Where bureaucracy begins!
• Nebraska – Enjoy our toll-free highways on your way to somewhere else!
• Democrat free since 2004!
• Welcome to Nebraska – Kindly refrain from discussing Bill Callahan.
• Unbearably hot and ridiculously cold – but usually not on the same day.
• Home of one of the world’s largest lakes!  Unfortunately it is underground so you can’t see it or water ski on it.
• No beaches, no mountains, but lots of corn.
• Ridiculous amounts of white people.
• We’re like South Dakota, but without Mount Rushmore and Sturgis.
• The Good Wife (a co-branding opportunity with CBS)
• The Good Knife (a co-branding opportunity with a knife manufacturer)
• Come see what Peyton Manning keeps talking about.
• Equality before the law* (*unless you are gay or we think you’re an illegal alien)
• No, we don’t actually live in black and white.

• 

  Nebraska: Now in TechniColor!

• The Great Life* (*when the football team is winning)
• Nebraska:  Where Midwestern stereotypes begin!
• Sure, we can put gravy on that.
• Nebraska – Not just for flying over anymore!
• So much better than Iowa.
• Red clothing not required, but strongly recommended.
• Corn in your car, on your head, and in everything you eat.
• Life in Nebraska – Mikey likes it.
• So much more than a mediocre Springsteen album.
• Nebraska:  We can tax that.
• Nebraska – A great place to stop on your way to wherever you’re going.
• See your food before it is processed with a bunch of crap!
• Our third largest city is only open seven days a year.
• Come and let us laugh at your accent!
• Where else ya gonna go?  Kansas?