Rejected

Rejected Tunnel Walk Songs

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Change is coming to Nebraska’s beloved Tunnel Walk. It appears that “Sirius” by the Alan Parsons Project (by way of the Chicago Bulls) is on it’s way out and something new will be pumped over the speakers Saturday night.

But what is that new song?  Athletic Director Bill Moos wouldn’t say, only hinting that it goes with NU’s theme of  “Honor the past, live the present, create the future”.  I don’t really know what that means, but it is probably not code for “we’re bringing back the Mikey Bo Remix“*

*Am I the only one who thinks Mikey Bo looks a lot like Taylor Martinez?

Inspired by these two hilariously brilliant tweet by @IanAeillo, where he plays “Spanish Flea” and the Chipmunks performing “Funkytown” over a video of the Tunnel Walk, here are some other rejected Tunnel Walk songs.

“Let It Go” by Idina Menzel

After 20 years of bitterness and division within the program and the fanbase, it is time to come together. It is time to unite. It is time to to let go of all of the past failures and animosities. Plus, think of all of the Frost references!

If this doesn’t work, the Frozen soundtrack several other good options including “For The First Time In Forever” and “Fixer Upper”.

 

“1999” by Prince

What better way to “honor the past” by playing a song titled for the last time Nebraska won a conference championship?

 

“99 Luftballons” by Goldfinger

With one song, we can upgrade the Tunnel Walk – AND – satisfy the folks who think releasing balloons after the first touchdown is an environmental tragedy. That is efficiency, people!

I like the Goldfinger version better because it’s newer (we want to be accused of being stuck in the 90s, not the 80s) and a little heavier than the original Nena version.

 

“Won’t Get Fooled Again” by The Who

We have been duped by Callahan’s West Coast Offense, Riley’s Pro Style passing attack, and whatever the heck Shawn Watson and Tim Beck tried to do.  It’s time to go back to old school ways and principles – even if the fullback is dead.

And speaking of dead, since this song was famously used for CSI:Miami, just imagine the opportunities to start the Tunnel Walk off with a trademark Horatio Cain pun leading into the big “YEEEEAHHH!”

 

“Black Betty” by Ram Jam

In the grand scheme of things, this is not a horrible stadium song.  Heck, the Huskers have used this song for football and basketball in recent years.  But I just cannot pass up an opportunity to link to the most hilarious videos of all time.

 

“Yakkity Sax” by The Edwin Davids Jazz Band

Yakkity Sax – otherwise known as the theme music from “Benny Hill” – is one of those songs that just makes any video production more entertaining.  For example, nobody on this side of the Missouri River would willingly watch a video of all eight Nebraska fumbles in the 2008 Iowa State game…unless it is set to Yakkity Sax*.

*And even then, I only made 2:37 before I got so frustrated by that game I had to turn it off. My apologies, folks.

 

“Eye In The Sky” by the Alan Parsons Project

Did you know that our beloved “Sirius” is just the introduction for another song?  One would assume that any song that immediately follows a stadium pump-up anthem like “Sirius” MUST be an even bigger, badder, goosebump-inducing-ier song, right?  Right?

 

“Willie’s Chant” by William P. Wildcat

When I think of kick-ass entrance music, I think of our former conference foes in Manhattan, Kansas.  They knew how to get a crowd worked up to a medium frenzy.  This video fully encapsulates the awesomeness that was the Ron Prince Era.

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Rejected Methods For Picking the Pope

Today, the papal conclave elected Jorge Mario Bergoglio as Pope, making him the leader of the Catholic Church.  Bergoglio (who will now be known as Francis) was elected by a two-thirds majority on the fifth vote of the papal conclave.

Or so they would have us believe…

Since the conclave is strictly off-limits to anybody but the cardinals who participate in it, there really is no good way of knowing how Francis was chosen.  Fortunately, I have a guy on the inside who let me in on some of rejected pope picking methodologies:

Obligatory disclaimers:  What follows is farce.  Satire.  A lame, late night attempt at comedy.  I, in no way, shape, or form, intend to offend any Catholics, Catholicism, or anything related with Pope Francis’s election.  I truly mean no disrespect. 

If you are likely to be offended by spoofs on the papal conclave’s election process, stop now.  I’d humbly suggest clicking on one of the other Feit Favorites from the right side.  You’ll probably find something you like better over there.  Okay…everybody good?  On with the jokes!  How was the pope picked…

  • NFL style:  A vote occurs, then the head cardinal goes under the hood to review the results on the field.
  • Actually, since it is the College of Cardinals who picks the Pope, they just send it up to the replay office in the press box.
  • The Pope candidates perform a mass for Randy Jackson and whoever is judging American Idol these days.
  • Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu decipher random clues hidden in Vatican art work and architecture.
  • Pro Wrestling Steel Cage Match
  • Prospects split into two teams and take on the task of expanding Catholicism in a third world country.  At the end the challenge Donald Trump fires cardinals until one remains.
  • A multi-event challenge.  Think World’s Strongest Man meets SuperStars.
  • NBA style:  Two finalists meet at mid court.  The Pope hat is tossed into the air and they try to rebound it.
  • A spirited game of P-O-P-E.  (And yes, banks in the Vatican are closed on Sundays).
  • Demolition derby with the old Popemobiles.
  • Shot glasses filled with the Vatican’s finest are passed around.  Everybody drinks.  The process repeats until one remains.
  • Musical chairs.
  • The Cardinal with the most Facebook likes and Twitter followers wins.
  • Whomever can correctly spell “Presbyterianism” becomes the pope.
  • Anybody who can come with a plan for Notre Dame to beat an SEC team in a bowl game deserves the job.
  • Ro-Sham-Bo
  • ESPN wins the exclusive TV rights.  The pope is selected by a panel of talking heads, brass, and the few journalists they still have left.  Pope Timothy Tebow wins handily.
  • The cardinals line up by age (youngest first).  One by one, they are blindfolded, led to the center of a large room, and turned around to slightly disorient them.  A sacred papal staff is placed in their hands.  They then swing at a giant piñata (shaped like the pope’s hat).  Whomever breaks it open wins (and gets to eat all of the candy inside the piñata).
  • Former St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa strolls out of a Vatican City dugout to make his selection.
  • Prospective popes must prepare a three course meal (appetizer, entrée, and dessert) using the following basket items:  water, wine, bread, fish.
  • An announcer describes all of the perks that come with being the Pope (clothes, cars, trips, housing, etc).  Cardinals must enter their bid and the one who is closest to the actual retail price wins.  (side note:  any joker that bids $1 is forced to become a Lutheran).
  • The Cardinals are dispatched to midwest towns on a Friday nights in Lent to run their own fish fry.  Most revenue wins.
  • Soccer style:  nothing exciting happens for what feels like days.  Right before they go to penalty kicks, somebody slips through and wins the election while you’re not paying attention.
  • Looking for a female’s perspective, the cardinals reach out to Lennay Kekua, who provides valuable counsel and advice.
  • Former Arizona Cardinal Kurt Warner bestows his blessing on one cardinal.
  • An 8 Mile-style rap battle.

Rejected Olympic Events

I love the Olympics.  The incredible athletic feats, the stories, the patriotism, all of it.  But most of all, I love the events.  When else are you going to spend hours night after night watching swimming, volleyball, track, and a host of other sports that – let’s face it – you probably wouldn’t watch if they were competing in your back yard.

The events have changed over the years as new ones (BMX biking, women’s boxing) are added and less popular ones (baseball and softball) are dropped.

The International Olympic Committee is always looking for new events to add, but not all of the events are gold-medal worthy.  Among the rejected events*:

  • Synchronized Slip ‘n Slide
  • Beer Pong
  • Live or Tape Delay?
  • 10 meter dash
  • Stripper Pole Gymnastics
  • Worseminton
  • Paddleboating
  • Short Jump
  • Trampoline (wait…that one is real)
  • Spelling Bee
  • Darts (both Lawn and Bar)
  • Words With Friends
  • H.O.R.S.E.
  • Wipeout obstacle course
  • Rock, Paper, Scissors
  • Unicycling
  • Undressage
  • Foosball
  • Invisible Fencing
  • Thumb Wrestling

*Official disclaimer:  As I was writing this, I flipped over to Twitter and saw that #RejectedOlympicEvents was trending.  You’ll have to take my word that a) the none of these were borrowed, and b) the inspiration for this post came to me before I was aware of the Twitter trend.

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