Fixing Facebook (f)

In a perfect world, Facebook would continue to be a useful and relevant social media platform.

A year ago, I read an interesting post on Deadspin entitled “Facebook is Dead“*.  In it, Drew Magary opined that “anyone with a brain knows that Facebook is terrible.”

*In a hall of fame caliber moment of irony, I saw the link for the article on…wait for it…Facebook.

Why you ask?  In Magary’s eyes, Facebook is a “one time” tool where you find people from your past and connect with them outside of Facebook.  After that, the site is left to be occupied by “sad asshole zombies” – which is his spin on the perennially popular ‘here are annoying Facebook users lumped into a handful of categories’ post that half of the Internet has created (including me!).  Once people turn into zombies, you quickly become annoyed with them:  “This is how Facebook works. You re-discover people, and then you re-discover everything you disliked about them.”

Magary’s opinion seems to be based upon something I’ve noticed too:  the participants are shifting.  The early adopters – who likely make up a big portion of Magary’s core circle of Friends are increasingly inactive on Facebook.  Many of my closest friends, who were quite active 4-5 years ago rarely post/share/comment anymore.

But the biggest reason that Facebook is becoming a smaller and smaller part of my online routine?

Facebook does an increasingly poor job of giving me what I want.

As an illustration, I have my phone sitting beside me.  I tap on the Facebook app and my news feed presents to me, in order:

• A post from a buy/sell/trade page I follow from 30 minutes ago.
• A post from 10 am this morning that Styx is coming to Lincoln’s Pinewood Bowl amphitheater.*
• Status update from a high school classmate from 9:45 pm, which ironically is in reference to a different social media platform (Pinterest).
• A viral YouTube video shared by a former co-worker at 10:03 pm.
• A Deadspin post from about 30 hours ago.
• A picture posted by the same former co-worker at 9:12 pm.  We got along, but weren’t buddies.
• Another Deadspin article, this time from 11:15 am.
• A link to an article in the Lincoln Journal-Star shared at 9:38 pm by a different former co-worker whom I probably haven’t seen in 12 years.
• A status update from yet another former co-worker at 10:25 pm.
• A third Deadspin article, this one from 10:17 pm.

*With Loverboy!  On my birthday, no less!  Domo arigato!  Mr. Roboto is working for the weekend!

What a sad collection of crap and things that I don’t really care about.

What’s worse?  This is what Facebook considers the “top news” for me.

Now, I go in an perform the ritual that I have to do every single time I use the Facebook mobile app:  tap on the three horizontal lines, scroll down to Feeds, tab on Most Recent.  This (in theory) shows me everything in reverse chronological order (i.e. newest to oldest).  Frankly, the stuff I see here isn’t that much more interesting, but at least it’s in a logical order.  But I have to specifically ask to receive it – and even then I sometimes see posts in the Top News feed that I never saw in Most Recent.  That level of persistent annoyance is a pretty crappy way to get me to come back, over and over, on a daily basis.

No disrespect to the random folks from high school and past jobs who fill my timeline, but I’d rather see what’s new with the dear friends that I don’t see or talk to as often as I would like.  I want to see all of the new interaction from my friends (statuses, photos, shares, etc.) presented to me newest to oldest.  I don’t need to see that somebody liked a status from somebody I don’t know, made a comment on some post with 3,000 other comments, or yet another stupid affirmation or bumper sticker saying.

I get it:  Few sites – especially ones as popular as Facebook – are as “good” as they were way back when.

But in a perfect world, they would at least try.

 

I apologize for not being able to cite the creator of this graphic, but I cannot take credit for it.

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(Author’s note:  Wondering why there is a random letter in parentheses in the title of this post?  Not sure how this post corresponds to the daily letter in the April A to Z Challenge?  Like clicking on links?  These questions are all answered here.)

Adoption Humor FAIL

I subscribe to a daily email from the fine folks at the FAIL Blog that contains highlights from their popular website.  They send me a dozen or so images and links a day.  For the most part, I get some chuckles and the occasional belly laugh.

However, one of their recent images left a little to be desired.  The caption of the post was “When Dad Joke Go Too Far”:

So funny I forgot to laugh

Ol’ Dad went past “funny”, through “lame dad joke”, and landed smack in the middle of “hey, look what a moron I am!”.

Oh my…where to start?  Let’s go message by message:

Our Father of the Year actually starts out with some good advice.  Adoption IS a good thing.  In my experience, the decision to adopt was one of the smartest decisions I’ve ever made.  While adoption may not be for everyone, I would encourage everyone to consider it – or at least advocate for it.

Plus, I think it would be best if the genetic code that make this Dad…um…special (his horribly inappropriate jokes, inability to type the word “you”, and abuse of exclamation points) is not passed onto another generation.  It’s bad enough that the recipient of these message is tainted with Dad’s defective DNA – why would you intentionally harm a child with a big does of the Stupid Gene?

Bravo, good sir:  “ur” humor is absolutely hilarious.  Aren’t you the guy who opened for Carrot Top at the 1992 Nebraska State Fair?  That had to be “u”.

P.S., I can only hope that when mom found out about this, she cut you off – figuratively or literally.  It makes me no difference.

This final message is where Dumb Dad really starts to piss me off.

Why should the recipient be crying?  Because being adopted is such a negative stigma that kids cry when they find out?  Moron.

As for “Ur mine”, I can guarantee you that the three children in my house are most definitely “mine”.

Also, “watch(ing) ur mom have u” does not necessarily mean that the child is yours.  If Mom has any brains, she cheated on Dumb Dad with somebody with a high enough IQ to produce a viable embryo.  When you’re on Maury next month, you may want to ask for the paternity package.

The lesson here, my friends, is if you think that “ur adopted!” is a good punchline for a joke (or a funny put-down) you need to stop.  Or better yet, head down to the airport and make some jokes about explosives.  You’ll probably have better results.

 

Great Moments in Customer Service

My debit card has some issues.  As you can see, the card has cracked and is breaking apart*

*NOTE – this likely has more to do with how the card sits in my wallet (and how much I sit on it) than it does with the card’s rate of usage.

Here is the frustrating part:  I used this card at my bank with it in this condition – handing it to a teller so they could process my transaction.

Twice.

Neither time did the teller say something like “Yikes, your card is falling apart.  Let me order a new one for you.”  Instead, they simply processed the transaction – the split is just above the magnetic strip, so the card still works.  Then they handed my card back to me, completed the transaction, and sent me on my way.

I’m loyal to my bank.  I have had the same primary checking account since the 1980s.  Of course, over that time, my bank has changed ownership (at least) twice, changed names three times, and has service charged me for anything and everything.  Is this the final straw that sends me to another financial institution?

Probably not.

Changing banks is a tremendous hassle – switching direct deposits, automatic withdrawals, bill payments, getting new checks, new debit cards, and so much more.  And for what?  In the hopes of improved service, a slightly better branch location, or a quarter of a percentage point of interest?

No thank you.  I’ll put up with a lot of disinterested service from my bank to avoid the inconvenience of switching – especially since our increasingly paperless society means I don’t see them that often anymore.

Unfortunately, I think my bank knows this too.