moons over my hammy

Why You Shouldn’t Take A Girl To Perkins For A First Date

A little background on this one…

The lovely Mrs. Feit Can Write came to me with a request and a story:  an intern at her company had managed to land a date with one of the other interns.  For their first date, he was planning to take her to Perkins.  Yes….that Perkins.

My wife and her co-workers tried to explain to the young lad why this was such a bad idea – especially if he hoped to get a second date.  Unfortunately, they struggled to eloquently articulate* why this was a bad plan in words besides “Why?” and “Dear God, no.”

*Mrs. Feit Can Write is a self-proclaimed “numbers girl”.  She works with other numbers people doing a number-centric job that quite frankly, I don’t understand.  I think she is a transponster, but I’m not really sure.  I’m secretly hoping she gets a new job so I can once again understand what she does all day.

After Mrs. Feit Can Write explained the situation, she asked me to take on a freelance writing assignment:  Provide her a list of 10 reasons why you just don’t take a first date to Perkins.  We negotiated a fair price for my work*, and I set out to create the list below.

*Lunch with my lady, and permission to publish here.  It goes to show that if you are in need of freelance writing, I am willing to work cheap.  If you need a talented writer cheap, let me know.

So without further ado, I give you:

Why you don’t take a first date to Perkins:

  1. Typically, you buy them breakfast AFTER the first date, not as the first date.
  2. You’re not 75.
  3. Perkins doesn’t serve alcohol, so she can’t drink you handsome.
  4. Nothing says romance like the Perkins crowd of drunks, elderly, and um…who else goes to Perkins again?
  5. If your thing is “breakfast served all day” chain restaurants (and what girl doesn’t LOVE that?) you should take her to Denny’s so you can use menu items like “Grand Slam” and “Moons Over My Hammy” as the basis for sexual innuendo.
  6. Egg farts are not sexy – especially from her.
  7. Perkins is more a second date place.  For a first date you want to impress her with pie, which means Village Inn.
  8. You don’t want her to be disappointed with the size or quality of the sausage.
  9. McDonald’s has a perfectly good breakfast menu, allowing you to save your precious money for eHarmony after this girl dumps you.
  10. Because you would like to have a second date.

As of this post, I know that the intern has seen the list.  However, I do not know if he has been convinced to take this girl somewhere better like Olive Garden, Hi-Way Diner, or the Tastee Inn & Out.

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