Coaching Changes Are Needed

I’ve had enough.

Nebraska’s uninspiring 2-2 start has me wondering just what is going on with our beloved program.  Yeah, I hear you say that they are two plays away from 4-0, but to me that is the same as telling me I’m a $1 lottery ticket away from being a millionaire – irrelevant.

I’ve seen enough football to know when something isn’t working – and friends, this ain’t working.

We need changes.  And we need them now.

Where should we begin?  Let’s start with defensive coordinator Mark Banker.  Hello?  Have you seen the passing defense?  Even Kevin Cosgrove is embarrassed by this defense.  You say that his rush defense is actually pretty good?  I don’t care.  Nebraska plays in the Big Ten West, a division so dedicated to rushing offenses that the forward pass is still a novelty.  But Joel Stave, Mitch Leidner, and whomever plays quarterback for Northwestern are going to throw for 450 yards against Nebraska, probably in the fourth quarter alone.  Get Banker out of here – now.

While we’re at it, let’s get rid of secondary coach Brian Stewart.  You know the problem with Daniel Davie this year?  Nobody is yelling at him.  I believe that for Davie to be an effective cornerback, he needs a coach willing and able to scream at him on national TV.  You know Riley is too soft to get the job done, so that puts it on Brian Stewart.  Apparently he’s not up to the task either, so he’s got to go.

And don’t get me started on the front seven of this defense.  Everybody says that Trent Bray is this hotshot up and coming linebacker coach, but he can’t get three starters on the field at the same time.  Instead he’s playing guys like Chris Weber.  Did you know he’s not the Chris Webber from the Michigan Fab Five team?  No, this Chris Weber is some white kid from Elkhorn.

Up front on the line, I have no idea what is going on.  Maliek Collins has yet to become an all time great player like Ndamukong Suh.  Heck, Collins may not even be the best player on the line this year.  That would be a former tight end.  Hank Hughes, I think you need to head back to Cincinnati.

But let’s not pretend that everything is peaches and herb on offense.  I think there need to be some changes there too.  Attention Danny Langsdorf:  I don’t care well Tommy Armstrong is playing, or that your offense is putting up big yards and 30+ points a game.  You need to scrap this pro style, West Coast, fancy pants offense for direct snaps to Andy Janovich.  Didn’t you watch the Southern Miss game?

Mike Cavanaugh, why do you only play five offensive linemen?  How are you supposed to build depth?  Haven’t you seen that one guy who sucks and the other guy who said those things on social media?  Since we can’t fire the players, we’re firing you.  And since lineman are supposed to block for running backs, feel free to hold the door open for Reggie Davis on your way out.  This bum Davis is incapable of convincing Riley that Mikale Wilbon should be the starter.  Don’t try to tell me that Wilbon’s lack of pass blocking ability may get Tommy Armstrong killed.  If Wilbon runs like he did on those three carries in the BYU game, we could win out with Janovich at QB….which come to think of it is not a bad idea.

I want to like this new receivers coach, Keith Williams, but Jordan Westerkamp has had like three balls hit his hands and not be caught.  That’s more drops than he had his first two seasons.  And don’t try to tell me he’s human, because I’ve watched the YouTube clip of that behind the back catch 200 times.  Speaking of receivers, I was told the tight ends were going to catch the ball in this offense, but the tight ends remain as effective as they were under Tim Beck – i.e. the apparent sixth progression after taking a 15 yard sack or throwing to Janovich.  I don’t care that as a grad assistant Tavita Thompson makes like $6.25 an hour, he needs to go.

Did you know Nebraska has a Special Teams Coordinator?  Seriously, that is his only job.  And get this – Bruce Read gets paid $450,000 a year.  For $450,000 a year, NU should never, ever miss a field goal, block at least three punts a game, and return the others for touchdowns.  And yet this chump Read allows an onside kick against Southern Miss?  Let’s go back to the days when one coach led a position group, coordinated the special teams, spearheaded recruiting, and put the “N” stickers on the helmets.

I think we need to make some changes in the strength and conditioning program too.  Michael Rose-Ivey and Josh Banderas are both out with groin injuries.  Since we blamed James Dobson for every ACL injury in the 402 area code, Mark Philipp needs to be held accountable for all pulls and sprains within the program.  But could you tell him that he’s been fired?  That dude frightens me.  Instead, I’ll tell Jamie Belt to pack up his dumbbells.  Look at this guy.  Seriously, this is an assistant strength coach?  Do you even lift, bro?  And what kind of name is Jamie?  My daughter is named Jamie.  She probably has a better bench press too.

If you look at all these losers who need to be fired immediately, there is a common thread* tying them together:  the chain of command that hired them:

*Okay, two common threads:  the chain of command and the ugly and unpopular adidas apparel everybody in the Athletic Department wears.  While we’re cleaning house, let’s send all of the adidas stuff to Goodwill – especially those alternate uniforms.  

Head Coach Mike Riley, it was a nice experiment.  Let’s see what happens when the nice guy coach from the crappy, underfunded program gets the keys to one of the richest and most passionate programs.  It worked for a while.  You said the right things, made us feel good, and won your way into our hearts with your “ah shucks” charm.  But enough is enough.  Bob Devaney didn’t start 1-2.  Neither did Tom Osborne.  Heck, even Callahan started 3-1.

But the biggest thing that ticks me off is this nice guy persona.  What a joke.   I didn’t realize it until I heard the host of one of the 16 post game call in shows say it last week:  you don’t show any emotion on the sidelines.  This must mean that you either don’t care or cannot fix the problems that are right in front of your 62 year old eyes.  And have you noticed how Riley is still living out of a hotel after nine months on the job?  Clearly, he’s going to jump at the first good job offer to come his way.  He’s probably itching to get back to the Canadian League.

And then there is guy who hired Riley:  Shawn Eichorst.  Obviously, all of this is Eichorst’s fault.  He hired Riley and his Band of Beavers.  More importantly, he fired Bo Pelini – a good coach who won nine games a year.  NINE!!  Do you know how many schools win nine games or more a year?  Only the top 30% of teams in college football, that’s who.  Eichorst should have swallowed his stupid pride and allowed a subordinate to walk all over him, publicly disrespect him and the University, and lose games any way he damn well pleased.

I bet Harvey Perlman is smiling at all of this.  You just know he has been dead set on destroying the University ever since he took over.  You know he gave Pedersen a contract extension, right?  Right?  Clearly he is the exact same as he was back then.  You realize that Harvey since was named chancellor in 2001 (on April Fool’s Day, I might add) Nebraska has not won a conference championship.  Coincidence?  Nope, it’s a “no-incidence”, as in there no way that is a coincidence.  While we can’t fire Perlman, I am counting down the days until retirement ends Harvey’s reign of terror.  Mark my words, Nebraska will never lose again once that BCS-loving scoundrel is gone.

While we’re cleaning house, we might as well get rid of all of the under-performing dead weight that surrounds this once glorious program.  These chumps may not be directly coaching the players on the field, but I guarantee you that their shoddy performance is to blame for the 2-2 start.  When I call your name, come forward to collect your pink slip:

• Graduate Assistant Max Onyegbule.  What the hell kind of name is Onyegbule?  The first time I typed “Onyegbule”, I dislocated three fingers and my Spellcheck didn’t work for a month – and I type “Akinmoladun” on a regular basis.

• Recruiting Coordinator Andy Vaughn.  I was looking at the latest recruiting rankings and see that Nebraska has commitments from several three star prospects.  Three stars?  You can’t be a dominating program with three stars.  This ain’t Corvalis, bub.  Why Nebraska is even offering guys with less than four stars is baffling to me.  But you totally need to offer this kid from my small town Nebraska high school.  He is tearing up class C-2 this year.

• Chris Brasfield.  You call yourself a “director of high school relations”.  Ha!  Are you telling me that high school kids and/or football coaches are supposed to take you seriously?  You’re wearing a freaking bow tie!!  Who do you think you are, Ross Dzuris?

• Graduate manager Hardie Buck.  What kind of made up, adult movie name is Hardie Buck?  Get out of here.

• Public address announcer Lane Grindle.  I don’t really have a problem with you, but the team has played poorly since you became public address announcer.  We can’t take any chances if we want to return to dominance.  I’d apply for the job, but those comments I made about Perlman likely taken me out of the running.

• Cornhusker Marching Band director Doug Bush.  I noticed that when the band forms the shape of Nebraska during the pregame spectacular, the shape is not geographically accurate.  The southern border is often crooked, and your woodwinds cannot form the Missouri River to save their lives.  Also, remember when you spelled out “Fear Ameer” last year?  It is inexcusable that you have yet to spell out “Son of a Janovich” at halftime.

• Chris Pankonin.  Sonny boy, I have had enough of this Hip Hop Hogwash you play over the speakers.  You need to play more Black Betty.  And Seven Nation Army.  And Nickelback.

• Assistant AD for Digital Communications Kelly Mosier.  Hey mister social media guru.  I tweet all game long, and not once have any of my tweets been shown on HuskerVision.  Are you afraid of the truth I’m bringing about how far this program has fallen?  Does my love for homegrown fullbacks make you uncomfortable?  Don’t suppress my First Amendment rights, Kelly!

• Der Viener Schlinger guy.  Every game I see you shooting hot dogs into the West Stadium balcony and the sky boxes.  Why?  Surely the rich folks in the fancy seats can afford their own hot dogs.  Let’s see you put a dog in the 600 level of East, tough guy.

Hopefully by now you’ve realized* that this was written in Sarcasm Serif font (12 point).  It has only been four games, so calling for anybody’s job is so over the top knee jerkingly crazy – even by Nebraska fan standards – that I struggle to find an appropriate way to describe how ridiculous you sound.

*If not, I kindly suggest upping the dosage on your meds and/or switching your allegiance to the Iowa Hawkeyes.

I get it – you are not pleased with being 0-fer against teams that do not have “south” in their name.*  It is frustrating seeing team after team roll up 300 yards of passing while the cornerbacks refuse to look turn and look for the ball.

*Any chance we can get the Badgers to go by “South Wisconsin” next week?  Or maybe Southern Michigan State?

Maybe you have doubts about this pass-happy offense.  Yeah, it looks good now, but you’re concerned about what happens in November when it’s 12 degrees and the starting I Back is still bouncing every run to the outside.  Trust me, I’m with you:  Option football, when coached and run effectively, if absolute poetry.

But it sure is nice to not have to resign yourself to a punt when it’s 3rd and long.  This team is pretty good in 3rd and long.  I’m not sure if any Osborne team (save 1995) could make that claim.

And maybe you don’t think a coach that wins nine games every year should have been fired.  You are certainly entitled to that opinion.  My opinion is Bo was fired for multiple reasons, but his win/loss record was not among them – but that’s another post for another day.  Regardless, I’m guessing you gave Bo and his staff more than four games – or did you bail on him when he started 3-3?

At the end of the day – or at the end of the season – making massive changes to the staff if likely not the way to go.  Replacing coaches every couple of years takes a toll and makes the sustained success we all want that much harder to achieve.

I’ll tell you the same thing I tell my kids when we’re in the car and they’re getting antsy:  Take a breath, be patient, and enjoy the ride.

We’ll get there.

Rejected Food Cannons

On Wednesday, the University of Nebraska – Omaha hockey team announced that their 2015-2016 home games will feature a taco cannon –  a glorious combination of compressed air, delicious meats, tortillas, and ‘Merican engineering.

Someone will take a taco to the face. pic.twitter.com/MOqwzJ5elC

— Voodoo Taco (@TacoVoodoo) April 22, 2015

With this new addition, the University of Nebraska system* is now a leader in firing free food to fans.  The University of Nebraska – Lincoln has featured Der Viener Schlinger, a giant hot dog gun, for almost 20 years.

*Hey, University of Nebraska – Kearney.  Where you at?  What delicious foodstuff are you shooting at your fans?  If you want to join Lincoln and Omaha in D-1 grandeur, you need to step up your game.

I’m trying to wrap my head around the logistics of firing a taco from a air-powered cannon.  Having caught a hot dog from Der Viener Schlinger a few years back, I can attest that not all foods are ideal for being fired 100 feet into the air.  The dog I received was in a Ziploc bag, taped closed (presumably, for maximum aerodynamic efficiency), and looked crumpled and sad.  The good news is the journey from the sideline to row 47 had no impact on the taste.

The better question is:  What other foods were considered as cannon fodder?  What delicacies sounded good in theory, but failed in testing (they do test these things, right?)  Luckily, the cousin of a friend of a guy I know from a thing runs the Zamboni for UNO Mavericks game.  He gave me a rundown on the food cannons that were rejected:

The research team hard at work in the lab (image via technabob.com)

•  Spam.
• Jumbo shrimp cocktails (naturally, an oversized gun operated by a midget, with cocktail sauce chaser).
• Personal pizzas, fired by a clay pigeon thrower.  (Skeet shooter not included).
• Snow cones.
• Eggs (“Why do they always come scrambled?”)
• Turducken.

“Heads up!  Turducken a comin’!”

•  Spaghetti and meatballs.
• Pho
• Nachos.  (Think tortilla chips fired from a shotgun, followed by a water gun blast of piping hot cheese sauce.  Want jalapeno with that?)
• Watermelons

It never gets old.

 

• Salad.  (Attempts to “ramp up” your mom’s Salad Shooter did not go well).

Nebraskans can have theirs with Dorothy Lynch. (photo via morbidholiday.com)

•  Cans of soda or beer

• For weddings, there is the Rice Cannon, which plays Pachelbel’s Canon in D.
• Whole roasted pigs

It’s still good, it’s still good!

 

Top 10 Things Harder Than Being A Pelini in Nebraska

On Wednesday, it was reported that former Nebraska defensive coordinator (and fired Florida Atlantic head coach) Carl Pelini had expressed interest in coaching a high school football team in Des Moines, Iowa.

In an interview with the Des Moines Register, Pelini explained his interest (he wants a job that allows him to be relatively close to his children in Nebraska).  He also gave some insight into the recluse-esque lifestyle he’s led since being fired from FAU:

“I came back to Lincoln (Neb.), kept to myself. I don’t even go to restaurants,” he said. “I spend (almost) 100 percent of time with my children, I teach school at the community college here. For about 15 months, I just have lived liked a hermit.”

Jokes aside, I do feel for the guy.  Say what you will about some of the choices he has (allegedly) made, it still sucks to not be able to do the thing you love and want to do.  Plus, it would be really hard to live in a city like Lincoln and not enjoy some of the wonderful local restaurants (Honest Abe’s, C. Berry’s, Lazarri’s, Sebastian’s Table, and Lazlos, to name a few).

But there was one quote from the interview that left a bad taste in my mouth:

“It’s hard to be a Pelini in Nebraska.”

Setting aside the obvious fact that nobody is forcing the architect of Carlfense to reside in the Good Life (or whatever we’re calling it this year), the simple fact remains that there are things harder to be in Nebraska than a Pelini.

Without further ado, I give you the Top Ten Things Harder Than Being A Pelini In Nebraska:

10.  Being an (alleged) adulterer and drug user trying to write a children’s book in Nebraska.

9.  Being a Jaysker in Nebraska.

8.  Being a liberal democrat in Nebraska.

7.  Being a fan of consistent, moderate weather in Nebraska.

6.  Being a fan of Iowa Hawkeye football in Nebraska.

5.  Being a flamboyant homosexual in Nebraska.

4.  Being a homosexual in a committed relationship in Nebraska.

3.  Being a hater of Nebraska football in Nebraska.

2.  Being unable to find work when your last job didn’t pay $472,500 a year in Nebraska.

1.  Being a Cosgrove, Pederson, or Callahan in Nebraska.

Common Retail Quotes, Translated

We are in the final days of the Christmas shopping season.  The last-minute shoppers are heading out and mixing in with those finding the final few items on their gift lists.  Stores are staying open crazy hours.  And the employees – oh, those poor employees – are tired of dealing with impatient and rude shoppers who have no respect for them.

Back in my college days, I worked retail and the holiday season was nuts – and that was before stores felt the need to stay open until midnight.  During that time, I learned that the polite things retail workers say with a smile on their face often have hidden meanings.

Here are some common retail expressions, translated to English:

“Are you finding everything alright?”

The meaning depends a lot upon the store you’re in, as well as the time of day.  For example, if you’re at Target 10 minutes to closing time it means: “Get the hell out”.

At a nicer clothing store, it means “I work on commission and am staking my claim on you.”

If you’re at Wal-Mart, it means “I’ve only worked here for two weeks, and I don’t know any better.”

“Can I help you find a size?”

I guarantee that if somebody is asking you this question you’re standing at a table of folded merchandise, because that sales associate is thinking “Quit rooting through that shelf of nicely folded sweaters looking for a size we don’t carry.  I have to re-fold those before I can go home.”

Seriously, nobody is ever asked this question standing next to a rack of items on hangers, because you can find it your damn self without making a mess.

“Let me check in the back.”

The true meaning of this one ultimately comes down to the personality of your sales clerk.  If they’re lazy, it means: “I’d really like to check my phone / get a quick drink / talk about you behind your back for a few minutes.”

But if they are passive aggressive, this one means “We don’t have it, but I want to make you wait with your hopes up, before I shoot you down.” 

“Everything we have is out.”

“There might be some more in the back, but I don’t feel like checking.”

“Would you like to open a store credit card to save an extra 10%?”

“I could give a crap about saving you money, but I get $4 for every credit card application I submit.  Besides, with the 23.9% APR on that card, you’re going to lose money anyway.”

“Go call the 800 number on your receipt to complete a short survey about your experience today.”

“Please take 15 minutes out of your day to suffer through an automated voice survey about a generic retail transaction.  If you say nice things about me, I can get $4.”

“Can I start a dressing room for you?”

“I am paid based on how much I sell, so I want credit for that giant stack of clothes you’re carrying around.”

“Did you find everything you were looking for?”

“Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.  Because I don’t want to go exploring through the store for something we don’t carry.”

1-800-Name Brand Facial Tissue

Today, I grabbed a new box of Kleenex for my desk.  As I was removing the cardboard tab on top of the box, I noticed a toll-free customer service number for Kleenex.

This wasn’t some number buried at the bottom of a bunch of text in 5 point font.  Kleenex put their number (800-553-3639)* front and center on the tab, in a relatively large font, along with their hours (weekdays, 8 am to 4 pm, Central time).

*It was about halfway through writing this post that it dawned on me that 800-533-3639 is also 1-800-KLEENEX.  You’d think they would have gone with that.

My question is why?  Why does this number exist?  Why do people call it?  Why?

I feel very bad for the poor folks who have to man this phone line.  Imagine the calls they get and the kooks they have to deal with.

I’m guessing the top ten calls at the Kleenex hotline are as follows:

10.  “How do you fold those Kleenex in there so nicely?”

9.  “Will these protect me against Ebola?”

8.  “When are you going to admit defeat on trying to have us refer to your product as a ‘facial tissue’?  You know that like 95% of Americans know your product as a Kleenex, right?”

7.  “How many tissues do I need to stuff in my bra to become a C cup?”

6.  “How many times can I reuse this before I get snot all over my hands?”

I should call and let them know how much I am enjoying this!

5.  “Are these machine washable?”

4.  “I’m wrapping a present.  Can I use these tissues as a substitute for tissue paper?”

3.  “Yeah, this box says it contains 140 tissues.  I only counted 139.  Can you issue me a refund?  Oh wait, What’s that Mildred?  Two came out at the same time?  Okay, never mind.”

2.  Way too descriptive calls from folks concerned about the color, volume, viscosity of nasal discharge – all resulting in “you’d better call a doctor”.

1.  “Hi, I’m out of toilet paper and saw this box on top of the toilet.  Can I….”

How to Appease Husker Fans of All Generations

Nebraska is renowned for having excellent fans who support their Cornhuskers to the end.  The sellout streak at Memorial Stadium will reach 340 by the end of the 2014 season.  But there has always been a divide among Husker fans in the stadium.  There are those fans who want games to be raucous events, and some who would prefer to go, sit, and quietly watch the game.  Typically, that latter group is labeled “blue hairs”, as they tend to be some of the older fans who have had season tickets for decades.  Over the years*, the blue hairs have been telling fans to sit down, shut up, and generally do things that one might consider counter to having a loud, intimidating environment for opposing teams.

*I’ve heard the residents of West Stadium referred to as “blue hairs” since the early 1990s.  Which means that some of the folks who used to complain about blue hairs can now be considered blue hairs themselves.  

The latest example comes to us from the Lincoln Journal Star’s Letters to the Editor page where Charley Ackerman writes to voice his displeasure with the loud volume coming from the new million dollar sound system – it is too loud for him to converse with those in his section.  Charley also is displeased by the quantity of “hip-hop hogwash”* being played from the speakers.

*Seriously, “hip-hop hogwash” might be the greatest combination of letters in the history of the English language.  I cannot adequately express how much I love that phrase.  Hip-hop hogwash.  Hip-hop hogwash.  Hip-hop hogwash.  It never gets old!

Predictably, Charley’s letter has been met with rolled eyes, Internet mockery, and suggestions that he and his fellow blue hairs stay home.  But I don’t think we need to get to that extreme.  Besides, it’s worth noting that the blue hairs – especially those in the West stadium – are often big and long-time donors, whose money is not easily replaced by young alums repaying student loans.

But on the other side, there are fans who think Nebraska is too traditional, too stuck in their ways, too willing to cater to the old farts who have sat in the same seats since LBJ was in office.  They would like to see Nebraska move onto the cutting edge – or at least keep up with other teams that are doing new and exciting things.

So how do we reconcile the wants and needs of these two very diverse sects of the same group?  Simple, we take a page from my hometown church.

The church I grew up in does two services.  The early service is the traditional one with the full scripture readings, old hymns, and beautiful old sanctuary.  The early service at Resurrection Lutheran is almost exactly the same today as it was in 1985, and there is a loyal and devoted crowd (my silver-haired mom included) who would not have it any other way.  It is familiar, it is classic, it is timeless.

The late service is the contemporary one.  It’s held in the fellowship hall and has a small band that leads newer, upbeat songs while overhead screens display scripture and images.  The contemporary service has a more laid-back, fun vibe to it and it also draws a loyal crowd.

Since Nebraska Football is often referred to as the “state religion”, let’s apply these same concepts to the Game Day Experience:

Games with 11 am kickoffs will be the “traditional service”.  The Tunnel Walk will be played, with “Sirius” as the background music.  Speaking of music, most of the in-stadium music will be provided by the Cornhusker Marching Band.  To appease our friend Charley, the speakers will be at a reasonable volume, and no hip-hop hogwash will be played during the traditional service.  (Athletic Department staff will consult with Tom Osborne to see what kind of music he enjoys).  There will be no smoke when Nebraska comes out of the tunnel, no fireworks after scores, and nobody will put up a net when a PAT or field goal is kicked – just throw the ball back down to the field, please.  The large HuskerVision screen in the south end zone will display graphics so it resembles the old First Federal Lincoln scoreboard.  Halftime refreshments will consist of non-alcoholic grape juice and a thin, stale wafer.

Nebraska will always wear their iconic uniforms (red jerseys, white pants, and the white helmet with the sans-serif N), and the congregation will be asked to wear red.  Offensive Coordinator Tim Beck will be asked to limit the number of passes called, and encouraged to run at least three fullback dives as well as an option to the short side of the field.  Prolonged standing is allowed, but will be strongly discouraged.  The wave may occur, but expect it to take several attempts to really get going.  Don’t bother trying to connect to the in-stadium WiFi, because it will be turned off.  But you can tune into Kent Pavelka and Gary Saddlemeyer’s call on KFAB.

Here is the church, those are the steeples…(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Games with 7 pm kickoffs will be the “contemporary service”.  The stadium speakers are cranked up so the residents of Crete can hear what is going on.  Instead of a marching band, Nebraska employs a full-time DJ who spins “hip hop, but no hogwash”.  The big screens and ribbon boards are alive with replays, stats, cat videos, and tweets from @FauxPelini scrolling continuously.  The Tunnel Walk is completely revamped with smoke, lasers, strobe lights, and a new song that gets everybody amped up.  Every game, Nebraska comes out in a new and exciting alternate uniform and helmet, raising the bar for other schools.  Beer vendors will be everywhere in the stadium.

To encourage fans to stand up, the benches in the first 50 rows will be removed.  Depending on the opponent, fans will be asked to wear black, red, or white shirts.  Students will wave towels all game long while performing more organized cheers and chants than a major league soccer team.  The opening offensive play of the second half will be decided by a Twitter poll with #DeepBall being a perennial favorite.  Before the fourth quarter, the entire stadium rocks as the DJ plays the song that puts Wisconsin’s “Jump Around” to shame.

*   *   *

There.  Hopefully this will keep all of Nebraska’s passionate fans excited about coming to games in Lincoln.  More importantly, it will help make sure that folks like Charley can complain about other more pressing issues, like Beck’s play calling, the price of a slice of pizza, or the number of steps up to his seats in section 34.

Rejected LeBron James “Decision” Ideas

The speculation on where NBA All Star LeBron James will go has been heating up ever since he opted out of his contract with the Miami Heat.  Rumors have him going to Los Angeles to become a Laker, back home to Cleveland, or even staying in Miami with a retooled lineup.

But with LeBron, the destination is only half of the equation.  Once he decides where he is going to go, how will LeBron announce it to the world?

Not how I would pick a team, but what do I know?

Arguably, he will not do another installment of “The Decision” – the one hour, live on ESPN special, where LeBron managed to piss off and alienate almost every person in America when he famously chose to “take (his) talents to South Beach”.

In announcing his next team, there are several different approaches that James can take.

Space Bags, the Final Frontier

We’re in the process of selling our home, which means a lot of cleaning and de-cluttering so it looks nice for showings and open houses.  Part of the de-clutter effort involves placing quilts, blankets, and comforters into Space Bags to mask our lack of closet space.

What is a Space Bag?  Essentially, it is a giant Ziploc baggie that you fill with stuff and seal.  Then, you put the vacuum hose up to a little valve on the side and enjoy the show.  The vacuum sucks out all of the air out of the bag, compressing things down to a fraction of their original size.  This is oddly mesmerizing, and is a great source of amusement for children and easily entertained adults*.

*Especially if the vacuum hose isn’t perfectly centered and the valve makes a loud “pbbbbbt” fart noise.  We are easily entertained in the Feit Can Write household.

Behold the power of Space!

Juvenile fun aside, Space Bags make me ponder deep metaphysical questions.  For example:

What would happen in you put a Space Bag inside a Space Bag?  I want to try this, but I’m afraid of doing irreversible damage to the space/time continuum.

If I could find a Space Bag big enough for my sedan, could I shrink it down to a compact?

Do they make wearable Space Bags?  I’ve got a pair of pants that will not fit without vacu-shrinking assistance.

If I switch my vacuum from suck to blow*, could I make objects in a Space Bag bigger?

*grow up, this is a family site.

If I put a lump of coal in a Space Bag, could I make a diamond?

Top Ten Reactions to Your Facebook Movie

As you may have heard, Facebook turned 10 years old this week.  To celebrate, they are creating a “look back” movie showcasing statuses and pictures from your account*.

*The cynic in me says Facebook is actually showcasing their ability to quickly mine your personal data, but whatever.

Everybody and their mom has taken advantage of this, and it is likely that your timeline is currently littered with variations on the following status:

Here’s my Facebook movie. Find yours at https://facebook.com/lookback/ #FacebookIs10

I’ve watched several of these and some are definitely better than others.  Some are getting rave reviews, and some…well…let’s just say that each movie is special in its own unique way.

Without further ado, the top 10 reactions to your Facebook movie:

10.  The plot was a little slow.

9.  Wow, it is getting killed on IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes (shout out to Derek Hernandez for this one)

8.  I was not expecting that much nudity.

7.  If this were the 80s, it would have gone straight to VHS.

6.  I liked the book better.  (shout out to Damien for this one)

5.  The cinematography was horrible.  Seriously, learn to work a camera.

4.  I really hope they don’t do a sequel.

3.  Siskel and Ebert gave it two middle fingers up.

2.  I was hoping the lead would be played by somebody better looking.

1.  Worst.  Movie.  Ever.

Rejected 5K Runs

The other day, I received a Groupon email for something called the “Ugly Sweater Run”.  It is a 5K fun-run* where participants are encouraged to wear their ugly Christmas sweaters and “gaudiest holiday finery”.

Running 3.1 miles in a sweater may not sound like much fun, but consider that the run will be held in mid-December.  In Nebraska.  Outside.  But on the plus side, (and I kid you not), there are hot chocolate stands every mile.

*Let me just take a moment to clarify something.  I do not consider running distances greater than a half mile to be “fun”.  Frankly, if you consider running multiple miles is “fun”, I think you’re “nuts”. 

I’ve done a 5K and couple 2 mile “fun runs”, but I did not find them very amusing.  The only pleasure I took from those runs was from seeing how happy they made my wife (yeah, she’s one of them, but I love her dearly). 

I understand running to stay in shape or to train for an athletic event, but I am not wired to find pleasure in running.

The Ugly Sweater Run is just the latest in the current craze of runs with quirky themes (“come run while we throw colored chalk in your face!”), extreme obstacle courses (“the last two miles are nothing but mud and barbed wire!”), or events where the running is secondary to some other activity (“chug a beer at every checkpoint!”).

While you might think that the organizers of the Ugly Sweater Run are scraping the bottom of the idea barrel, you’d be surprised to see what run ideas they passed on:

Not really related, but this girl cracks me up.

• Extreme Color Run – Volunteers with paint ball guns are positioned around the course.
• Couch Potato Run – Contestants complete a 5K while dragging their sofa or recliner behind them.
• Literal 5K – Runners are issued a random book at the beginning of the race – anything from The Hungry Caterpillar to War and Peace.  Read as you run, but you must finish the book before you complete the course.
• 5K:  Literally – Held indoors, the course is cooled to 5 degrees Kelvin (approximately -450 degrees Fahrenheit).  Dress warmly!
• Man vs 5K – Inspired by the Travel Channel show Man v. Food, runners must consume 5 kg of food over the length of the course.
• Social Media Mile – Runners must complete a set number of tweets, Facebook posts, and Instagram selfies.  Progress on the course will be tracked by the use of Foursquare check-ins.
• 5Keg – Teams must push a pony keg of beer along the course, emptying said keg by the completion of the race.
• First & 10K – Runners are given a football, which they must carry throughout the course before crossing the “goal line” at the end.  Players from local high school and college teams will be sprinkled throughout the course to tackle ball carriers.
• Nickelodeon Slime Run – A 5K version of the old Double Dare obstacle course.  Nick’s signature green slime will be sprayed via fire hose if runners cannot answer random trivia questions.
• I Would Walk 500 Miles – Not a run, but an endurance test for body and mind.  You walk 500 miles while your iPod plays nothing but The Proclaimers’ hit song I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles).
• Terminal Velocity Run – In this strictly timed event, runners must get from gate B 2 to gate F 47 in Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport (approximately 3.1 miles) in under 20 minutes while toting either a small child or an over-sized carry on with a wobbly wheel.
• Fore! K – Held on a golf course, runners must tee off, run to the ball, and hit is as quickly as possible.  Then run to the ball, and hit it again.  And so on, until they reach the hole – 2.48 miles away.  Lowest score wins.
• Green Eggs and Run – In this Dr. Seuss themed race, contestants must run over and through various obstacles including a house, mouse, box, fox, car, tree, train, dark, rain, boat, and of course, a goat.
• Red Light/Green Light Run – Speakers are set up along the course and a race leader yells “RED LIGHT” and “GREEN LIGHT” to start and stop the runners.  If you mess up, you go back to the beginning of the course.
• Comedy Central’s Fun Run – In this all-star charity event, the entire 5K course is lined with comedians both famous and obscure.  Slow runners in the last pack will be trailed by Greg Giraldo and Lisa Lampanelli, who pelt your with insults about your weight and sexuality.
• Virtual 5K – Download the Virtual 5K app (available for Apple and Android!), sign in and upload a picture.  The app will post statuses and pictures to your Facebook account to make it appear as if you ran a 5K.  Meanwhile, you sit at home in your underpants eating cookie dough right out of the tube.
• Ice Dash – Held at the local ice skating rink, runners go out on the ice in regular running shoes and compete to finish 500 laps first.  Think roller derby on ice.
• 50 Shades of 5K – If you’ve read the book, you can imagine some of the…um…obstacles within this event.  Consenting adults only.