The Second Stupidest Product Ever Made (or How to Ruin Your Smartphone)

I receive a handful of Groupon-type emails every day.  I delete most of these sight unseen (I have zero need for laser hair removal, facial peels, and/or Microsoft Excel training).  But one of them did catch my eye.  Not in a good way, but for its sheer stupidity.

It is a protective case for your smartphone.  No big deal, those are pretty common – both on the Groupon sites and elsewhere.  A protective case is actually a pretty smart investment for those who have kids, use their phone a lot, or are a known “dropper“.  So far, so good.

No, what sets this product apart (and makes it the second stupidest product ever made) is the addition of another tool into the smartphone case:  a bottle opener.

We’ve all been there:  you’re out with your buddies, enjoying some delicious beverages, but…oh no!  This fancy pants craft beer has a pry-off cap*.  Never fear, instead of having a $2 bottle opener on my key ring or finding one in a kitchen drawer, I’ll use one attached to my $500 cell phone.  Sure, why not use my phone as a lever, exposing it to undo force, liquids under pressure, and my drunken friends?  That sounds like a great idea.  Maybe when we’re done we can use my iPhone to pound in this loose nail on your basement steps or play a round of disc golf with my Galaxy S III.

*I hate to stereotype, but I’m guessing the primary demographic for this case is not drinking a lot of craft beers or other beverages with pry-off bottle caps.  I’d wager the purchasers of this product are quite fond of beers with twist-off caps, such as Bud Light, Miller Lite, and Coors Light.

How a redneck opens a longneck (image from livingsocial.com)

And if the prospect of turning your expensive smartphone into a cheap bar tool is not enough to get you to whip out your credit card, just wait!  There’s more:

The bottle opener case comes with a custom app that will count the number of bottles you’ve opened.  (“Ossifer, as you can clearly see, this app says I’ve only had three beers.  At least that what it showed right before I opened the fourth one and my screen cracked.”)

The app will also play a song when you open a bottle.  The LivingSocial deal did not specify what song is played, but I’m guessing it is something by Nickelback or AC/DC.

You can also get your bottle opener case printed with different sports teams logos (because what team doesn’t want to be associated with the brilliant minds who would buy something like this), or you can upload your own image such as the rebel flag, Calvin peeing on something, or a picture of Nickelback.

You’ll notice that I refer to this as the “second stupidest product ever made”.  Yes, potentially breaking a $500 smartphone by using it as a bottle opener is pretty dadgum stupid.  Yet, this phone case still has a legitimate purpose, as opposed to the Stupidest Product Ever Made, which does not.  Sadly, I fear a new contender for the title will come along soon.

The Stupidest Product Ever Made (or How to Waste $14.99)

We received a Bed Bath & Beyond catalog in the mail recently.  Normally it would head straight to the recycling bin*, but I had a minute to kill while waiting for the microwave to finish my popcorn.

*I already have a bed, I already have a bath, and most their “beyond” is a bunch of crap I don’t need**

**Except, as we’re about to see, as a source of blog content.

As I mindlessly flipped through, an image on page 9 caught my eye.  It is a device to be used to talk on your iPhone, Android, or other mobile phone without having to actually talk into the phone.

It’s not a Bluetooth earpiece, a telemarketer-style headset, or earbuds with a microphone.  No, those things would make sense.

The product they are trying to sell is this:

Dumbest product ever?

No, your eyes are not deceiving you.  It is a old-school telephone receiver hand piece that plugs into your smart phone.

Seriously?  Who out there is thinking, “Ya know, I like making calls on my cell phone, but I miss the crackling connection, mindless cord twiddling, and crick in my neck that my old landline handset provided”?

Who is the target market for this?  Technophobes?  Ironic hipsters?  People too stupid to understand what the “mobile” in mobile telephone implies?  People with really big pockets?  Teenagers who like the idea of screwing with people when they use this handset in their cars?

Assuming the sales of this device are strong – and really, how could an idea like this possibly fail? – look for more products in this line to be released for next Christmas including:

Operator, get me Huckledown 753!

and

It’s like a daffodil is choking a lily

and

“Dammit Ponch, stop doing roller disco and bring me a tighter shirt!”

and

Uses 8 D-Batteries. Still has longer life than my Android.

and

Sure, you have to provide his pay, uniform, MREs, ammo, and a college education when his tour is done, but NOBODY is going to steal your phone.

iPad Can Cook

I read an interesting article yesterday that the iPad is becoming a must-have accessory in the kitchen.  Essentially, many home and professional cooks are using the popular device (and the thousands of cooking related apps it can run) to find recipes, utilize leftovers, store and index favorite recipes, and watch videos of cooking techniques.

This is all well and good, but the story failed to answer a key question.  Frankly, it is a question that I have had ever since the iPad was released, and this article brought it up once again:  what does the iPad bring to the table (in this case, the kitchen table) that my laptop or smartphone does not?

My wife and I regularly take our laptop into the kitchen, using it to view recipes that we’ve found on foodnetwork.com or other recipe sites.  We’ve used it to answer nagging questions (such as what is a caper?)  My wife (the true culinarian of the family) makes awesome fondant cakes, and she’s found some videos showing her different techniques and tricks.  All very cool, very convenient, and easily accomplished using our $300 HP laptop.

So what am I missing?  What is the iPad providing that my humble laptop cannot?  A coolness factor?  Does it double as a cutting board?  Can I use the warmth of the screen to heat up a Hot Pocket?  If you touch the screen correctly, does the ghost of Steve Jobs appear and make you an Apple® pie?

I’m guessing the answer lies in the apps – those little applications that you can purchase/download to do pretty much anything.  Surely, there are cooking apps that provide some cooking ninja voodoo not available on the lowly laptop.  But what are those special features?  I’m fairly new to the world of smartphones, but all of the above could be accomplished using my Droid (albeit on a much smaller screen), so again, what is it about the iPad (as opposed to the iPhone) that is so special?

Dear readers (especially those of you with iPads) please help me out.