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Rejected Tunnel Walk Songs

30 Aug

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Change is coming to Nebraska’s beloved Tunnel Walk. It appears that “Sirius” by the Alan Parsons Project (by way of the Chicago Bulls) is on it’s way out and something new will be pumped over the speakers Saturday night.

But what is that new song?  Athletic Director Bill Moos wouldn’t say, only hinting that it goes with NU’s theme of  “Honor the past, live the present, create the future”.  I don’t really know what that means, but it is probably not code for “we’re bringing back the Mikey Bo Remix“*

*Am I the only one who thinks Mikey Bo looks a lot like Taylor Martinez?

Inspired by these two hilariously brilliant tweet by @IanAeillo, where he plays “Spanish Flea” and the Chipmunks performing “Funkytown” over a video of the Tunnel Walk, here are some other rejected Tunnel Walk songs.

“Let It Go” by Idina Menzel

After 20 years of bitterness and division within the program and the fanbase, it is time to come together. It is time to unite. It is time to to let go of all of the past failures and animosities. Plus, think of all of the Frost references!

If this doesn’t work, the Frozen soundtrack several other good options including “For The First Time In Forever” and “Fixer Upper”.

 

“1999” by Prince

What better way to “honor the past” by playing a song titled for the last time Nebraska won a conference championship?

 

“99 Luftballons” by Goldfinger

With one song, we can upgrade the Tunnel Walk – AND – satisfy the folks who think releasing balloons after the first touchdown is an environmental tragedy. That is efficiency, people!

I like the Goldfinger version better because it’s newer (we want to be accused of being stuck in the 90s, not the 80s) and a little heavier than the original Nena version.

 

“Won’t Get Fooled Again” by The Who

We have been duped by Callahan’s West Coast Offense, Riley’s Pro Style passing attack, and whatever the heck Shawn Watson and Tim Beck tried to do.  It’s time to go back to old school ways and principles – even if the fullback is dead.

And speaking of dead, since this song was famously used for CSI:Miami, just imagine the opportunities to start the Tunnel Walk off with a trademark Horatio Cain pun leading into the big “YEEEEAHHH!”

 

“Black Betty” by Ram Jam

In the grand scheme of things, this is not a horrible stadium song.  Heck, the Huskers have used this song for football and basketball in recent years.  But I just cannot pass up an opportunity to link to the most hilarious videos of all time.

 

“Yakkity Sax” by The Edwin Davids Jazz Band

Yakkity Sax – otherwise known as the theme music from “Benny Hill” – is one of those songs that just makes any video production more entertaining.  For example, nobody on this side of the Missouri River would willingly watch a video of all eight Nebraska fumbles in the 2008 Iowa State game…unless it is set to Yakkity Sax*.

*And even then, I only made 2:37 before I got so frustrated by that game I had to turn it off. My apologies, folks.

 

“Eye In The Sky” by the Alan Parsons Project

Did you know that our beloved “Sirius” is just the introduction for another song?  One would assume that any song that immediately follows a stadium pump-up anthem like “Sirius” MUST be an even bigger, badder, goosebump-inducing-ier song, right?  Right?

 

“Willie’s Chant” by William P. Wildcat

When I think of kick-ass entrance music, I think of our former conference foes in Manhattan, Kansas.  They knew how to get a crowd worked up to a medium frenzy.  This video fully encapsulates the awesomeness that was the Ron Prince Era.

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Rejected Food Cannons

23 Apr

On Wednesday, the University of Nebraska – Omaha hockey team announced that their 2015-2016 home games will feature a taco cannon –  a glorious combination of compressed air, delicious meats, tortillas, and ‘Merican engineering.

With this new addition, the University of Nebraska system* is now a leader in firing free food to fans.  The University of Nebraska – Lincoln has featured Der Viener Schlinger, a giant hot dog gun, for almost 20 years.

*Hey, University of Nebraska – Kearney.  Where you at?  What delicious foodstuff are you shooting at your fans?  If you want to join Lincoln and Omaha in D-1 grandeur, you need to step up your game.

I’m trying to wrap my head around the logistics of firing a taco from a air-powered cannon.  Having caught a hot dog from Der Viener Schlinger a few years back, I can attest that not all foods are ideal for being fired 100 feet into the air.  The dog I received was in a Ziploc bag, taped closed (presumably, for maximum aerodynamic efficiency), and looked crumpled and sad.  The good news is the journey from the sideline to row 47 had no impact on the taste.

The better question is:  What other foods were considered as cannon fodder?  What delicacies sounded good in theory, but failed in testing (they do test these things, right?)  Luckily, the cousin of a friend of a guy I know from a thing runs the Zamboni for UNO Mavericks game.  He gave me a rundown on the food cannons that were rejected:

The research team hard at work in the lab (image via technabob.com)

  •  Spam.
  • Jumbo shrimp cocktails (naturally, an oversized gun operated by a midget, with cocktail sauce chaser).
  • Personal pizzas, fired by a clay pigeon thrower.  (Skeet shooter not included).
  • Snow cones.
  • Eggs (“Why do they always come scrambled?”)
  • Turducken.

“Heads up!  Turducken a comin’!”

  •  Spaghetti and meatballs.
  • Pho
  • Nachos.  (Think tortilla chips fired from a shotgun, followed by a water gun blast of piping hot cheese sauce.  Want jalapeno with that?)
  • Watermelons

It never gets old.

 

  • Salad.  (Attempts to “ramp up” your mom’s Salad Shooter did not go well).

Nebraskans can have theirs with Dorothy Lynch. (photo via morbidholiday.com)

  •  Cans of soda or beer

  • For weddings, there is the Rice Cannon, which plays Pachelbel’s Canon in D.
  • Whole roasted pigs
It's still good, it's still good!

It’s still good, it’s still good!

 

Rejected Freedom Trophies

10 Nov

Nebraska and Wisconsin unveiled the “Freedom Trophy” that both teams will play for on Saturday.  The bronze trophy has a football stadium (half of Nebraska’s Memorial Stadium, and half of Wisconsin’s Camp Randall) with a giant American flag blowing above it.  It is breathtaking in it’s generic beauty, forced patriotism, and lack of meaningful connection to the two schools.

But the current Freedom Trophy was not the only design considered by the Big Ten’s Nondescript Trophy Committee.  They also considered several other freedom-inspired trophies including:

  • A 40 pound bronze bust of Husker freshman tight end Freedom Akinmoladun.
  • Free tuition awarded to any Wisconsin or Nebraska student who can correctly spell “Akinmoladun”.
  • A slightly used cassette tape of George Michael’s “Freedom ’90” from Barry Alvarez’s glove box.
  • A bald eagle wearing an Uncle Sam top hat, clutching Hitler and Bin Laden in its talons.
  • A stuffed Bucky Badger wearing a Free LP shirt.
  • A bronze sculpture of Mount Rushmore that plays “America F__ Yeah!” when you press George Washington’s nose.
  • a 1:100 scale replica of the NYC Freedom Tower.  Measuring 17.76 feet, it is the tallest trophy in sports.
  • The Heroes Trophy (presented by Hy-Vee!) with “Iowa” and “Heroes” crossed out and replaced with “Wisconsin” and “Freedom”.
  • A football helmet filled with Freedom Fries.
  • A paper mache head painted to look like Mel Gibson in Braveheart.  If you pull the mullet, it recites the classic “Freedom” speech.

    I’d rather play for this meme than the actual Freedom Trophy.

  • A VHS copy of Rocky IV, recorded from WGN, circa 1996.
  • A statue of Abraham Lincoln (the “father of freedom”) wearing a badger head and stove-pipe hat.
  • A bumper sticker that says “Merica – Love It Or Leave It.”
  • The keys to every home and business in Freedom, Wisconsin (pop. 5,942).

Rejected Pumpkin Spice Products

7 Oct

Fall used to be a simple time.  Back to school.  Football season.  Halloween and Thanksgiving.

But in recent years, fall has been replaced.  The change of season marking the end of summer is can be summed up in two words:

Pumpkin Spice.

The return of the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte is a highly anticipated event and generates a cult-like following.  Eager to cash in, food and drink makers are all rushing to put out a pumpkin spice version of their product.  So far, I’ve seen Oreos, M&M’s, bagels, non-dairy creamer, and dozens of other products aimed at pumpkin spice fanatics.

How brand managers think in autumn.

Unfortunately, not all pumpkin spice products are home runs.  Some are horrible failures.  For example:

  • Pumpkin Spice Brussels Sprouts
  • Starkist Pumpkin Spice tuna
  • Totino’s Pumpkin Spice Party Pizza
  • Pumpkin Spice McRib
  • Chlorox Pumpkin Spice Bleach
  • Pumpkin Spice Coke
  • Pumpkin Spice Rice
  • Phillip’s 66 Pumpkin Spice Ethanol
  • Ragu Pumpkin Spice Spaghetti Sauce
  • Pumpkin Spice limes
  • Hormel Pumpkin Spice Bacon
  • Massengail Pumpkin Spice Feminine Hygiene Products
  • Spicy Pumpkin buffalo wings
  • Pumpkin Spice Noodles
  • Pumpkin Spice Poodles
  • Pumpkin Spice Cole Slaw
  • Pumpkin Spice iPhone 6 (wait, that one would probably do really well)
  • Pumpkin Spice rat poison
  • Pumpkin Spice sauerkraut
  • Camel pumpkin spice cigarettes
  • Winchester pumpkin spice 12 gauge shotgun cartridges (perfect for turkey hunting!)
  • Charmin pumpkin spice toilet paper

Rejected ALS Challenges

19 Aug

If you have ventured on to any social media platform in the last few weeks, you know that pretty much every person in the world is participating in the Ice Bucket Challenge to raise awareness (and maybe, just maybe generate a donation or two) for ALS.

If you are one of the few people on the planet not familiar with the challenge, it breaks down like this:

  1. Person speaks directly into a cell phone camera and gives some spiel about being challenged by somebody higher up on the social media food chain.  Viewers resist the urge to fast forward to the good part.
  2. The participant challenges three friends, family members, or random celebrities to do the same thing within 24 hours or pay a bribe…sorry, I meant “donation”…to get out of it.
  3. A bucket of ice water is dumped over the participant’s head.
  4. They shriek and scream like somebody who just had icy water dumped on their head.  Hilarity ensues.
  5. Participant uploads the video to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, YouTube, MySpace, Geocities, and/or some random AOL chat room.

The viral popularity of the Ice Bucket Challenge is greater than anything anybody could have anticipated.  Donations are through the roof, awareness is off the charts.  I’m not sure if it could be going any better.

Or maybe it could…

Just imagine if the folks at ALS had decided to go with one of the other challenge finalists:

  • Lukewarm bucket challenge
  • Dry ice bucket challenge
  • Rice bucket challenge (fried or steamed)
  • Ice Ice Baby challenge
  • Show me a receipt for your donation challenge
  • Boiling water challenge
  • Colonel’s 10 piece bucket challenge (original or extra crispy)
  • Mice bucket challenge
  • One big ass block of ice challenge
  • What else will you do to avoid giving money to charity challenge
  • Lou Gehrig challenge (have a descendant of Wally Pipp dump 2,130 of any item on you)
  • Lucky Bucket challenge (Mmm….Lucky Bucket….)
  • Ice Dixie Cup challenge
  • Feit Can Write U-Haul Truck-It Challenge
  • Lice bucket challenge – oh wait, that’s an old Fear Factor episode.
  • Harlem Globetrotter bucket challenge
  • Tell me what “ALS” stands for challenge

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 Author’s Note:  I figured this was a pretty good entry in the WordPress Daily Challenge “Breaking the Ice”.

Rejected LeBron James “Decision” Ideas

9 Jul

The speculation on where NBA All Star LeBron James will go has been heating up ever since he opted out of his contract with the Miami Heat.  Rumors have him going to Los Angeles to become a Laker, back home to Cleveland, or even staying in Miami with a retooled lineup.

But with LeBron, the destination is only half of the equation.  Once he decides where he is going to go, how will LeBron announce it to the world?

Not how I would pick a team, but what do I know?

Arguably, he will not do another installment of “The Decision” – the one hour, live on ESPN special, where LeBron managed to piss off and alienate almost every person in America when he famously chose to “take (his) talents to South Beach”.

In announcing his next team, there are several different approaches that James can take. Continue reading

Nice Try, Nebraska

7 Jul

The nice folks at the Nebraska Tourism Board have come out with a slogan for Nebraska, to be used in marketing to encourage people to visit this fine state:

Nebraska Nice

Seriously.  That’s what they came up with.  Apparently, this is an improvement over Nebraska’s current slogan “The Good Life”.

How can I put this nicely? FAIL

Understandably, many folks are not happy with the change.  This is especially true in my hometown of Gretna, where they have been using the town slogan of “The Great Life”.  When Nebraska was “The Good Life”, Gretna’s slogan was perfect in its simplicity and connection to the statewide slogan.

But now that it is “Nebraska Nice”, Gretna needs to rebrand to keep pace (I humbly suggest “Gretna Great!”).  Other cities and towns across Nebraska would be smart to do the same:  incorporate vaguely positive broad generalizations driven by alliteration.

Here are some suggestions put together by the same folks who brought you Nebraska Nice:

  • Omaha Obnoxious
  • Dorchester Docile
  • Cozad Copacetic
  • Super Superior
  • Can’t Beat Beatrice
  • Appropriately Pleasant Pleasant Dale
  • Bee Nice
  • Big Springs, Big Smiles
  • Chipper Chappell
  • Clean Colon
  • Crushing on Cushing
  • David FeitCanWrite City
  • Eager Edgar
  • Fairly Nice Fairbury
  • Go Forth in Firth
  • Friend Request
  • Put the Fun in Funk
  • Gandy Fine and Dandy
  • Generic Geneva
  • Gretna Great
  • Hazard Healthy
  • Juniata Bonita
  • Loup City Love
  • Merry Murray
  • Nebraska City Nice City
  • O’Neill O’Nice
  • Ordinary Ord
  • A Pal in Palmyra
  • Plainview Plain
  • Sprague Vague
  • Sidney Simpatico
  • Wymore?  Wynot!
  • Who tan?  Yutan!
  • Winnebago Winnning
  • Winside Winsome
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