The speculation on where NBA All Star LeBron James will go has been heating up ever since he opted out of his contract with the Miami Heat. Rumors have him going to Los Angeles to become a Laker, back home to Cleveland, or even staying in Miami with a retooled lineup.
But with LeBron, the destination is only half of the equation. Once he decides where he is going to go, how will LeBron announce it to the world?
Arguably, he will not do another installment of “The Decision” – the one hour, live on ESPN special, where LeBron managed to piss off and alienate almost every person in America when he famously chose to “take (his) talents to South Beach”.
In announcing his next team, there are several different approaches that James can take.
The low-key approach. Ideal for showing the nation that he has learned from the negative backlash caused by “The Decision”:
- LeBron sends a telegram to the NBA League Office.
- James updates his MySpace page.
- A one hour special, aired live on Akron Community Access TV at 3 am – right after the guy who reads the phone book.
- A one hour prime-time special on The Longhorn Network.
- LeBron sends a “Greetings from Cleveland” postcard to Stephen A. Smith. On the back it says “Staying in Miami.”
- James finds guy on Twitter with less than 25 followers. James sends him a tweet containing his new team and the instruction to “pass it on”.
- LeBron sends a heartfelt apology letter to Cavs owner Dan Gilbert asking to “come home”. James fights the urge to type it in Comic Sans.
- No announcement. This fall when training camp opens, he just shows up at his new team’s practice facility ready to work.
Team-centric announcement ideas:
Okay, maybe some of those are too low-key for an athlete of LeBron’s stature. Maybe BronBron doesn’t want the spectacle of “The Decision”, but he does want to announce his new team in a fun way like he did with the classic “talents to South Beach” line.
- The press conference is held in Pamplona Spain during the running of the Bulls. After getting gored, LeBron misses the first half of the season. But to his credit, he is still back on the court before Derrick Rose.
- Using semaphore, LeBron spells out “C-L-I-P-P-E-R-S”
- LeBron appears in Wendy’s commercials in the Denver area eating chicken Nuggets. No audio, just LeBron eating nuggets.
- Performs a Magic routine, including sawing Dwayne Wade in half. Wade is not put back together.
- Before LeBron can say he’s going to the Utah Jazz, this guy
- Shows up in Harry Potter glasses and flowing Wizard robes.
- Rolls up in a pimped out AMC Pacer driven by RikSmits.
- James starts the press conference by announcing that he has legally changed his name to “King LeBron James”. A hopeful Sacramento is crushed when LeBron decides to stay in Miami.
- Legendary comedian BobcatGoldthwait opens up the press conference. Upon learning that the Bobcats are now the Hornets, LeBron says “Screw it. I’m going to Cleveland”.
- At the press conference, LeBron looks sharp in his tailored suit, handmade silk tie, and trousers rolled up just below the knee. As a confused media looks on, LeBron’s agent explains what a Knickerbocker is.
Decision II, Electric Boogaloo
Finally, LeBron could do what we all know he really, truly wants to do – make his announcement part of an epic spectacle, a monument to egomania, something to make “The Decision” look conservative and understated. Something like…
- “I’m taking my talents to…” <spins Price is Right wheel> “Sacramento???” <Price is Right horn>
- ESPN hosts a four week reality show, with prospective teams voted off by America. Catch phrase: “Boston, you are not worthy of my talents. Take your ball and go.”
- The general managers from every NBA team are placed inside aWWE steel cage. The last man standing gets LeBron. (Spoiler: Phil Jackson uses Zen voodoo and a wicked roundhouse kick to win).
- LeBron returns home to Akron, and steals one of the Goodyear blimps. After the most viewed pursuit not involving O.J. Simpson, James lands the blimp on the roof of the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland. He steps out wearing a Cavs jersey and all is forgiven.
- LBJ Films releases “The Decision 2: Homeward Bound” in theaters nationwide. LeBron pulls a Tyler Perry and plays all of the characters himself. The film tanks at the box office, but does generate some Oscar buzz.
- Buys ESPN and dedicates the entire month of July to his decision. ESPN Classic shows “The Decision” on a 24/7 loop.
- James buys his own NBA franchise, signs himself. ESPN cameras catch Dwayne Wade sitting outside the team offices looking dejected.
- James buys the city of Detroit, renames it to “LeBrondria”, and signs to play for the LeBrondria Pistons.
This is hilarious.
I may hit you up for some writing tips on Twitter
I Always so enjoy your satire commentaries! Thanks for making me laugh.
You are quite welcome!
Who cares? I’m not a fan of tall ball. After that stupid publicity stunt that seemed more like one of those ridiculous Bachelor or Bachelorette programmes., what was it called …The Decision ( like anything of real world importance hinged on the narcissist’s next move )…Which lucky city will LeBonehead marry for bucks ? I thought, “are Americans that daft?” I’m so sick of him and the stupid media circus. I thought if I could get hold of Luis Suarez’ agent, this might really be a story he could sink his teeth into!!! Thank Dog, it’s over.
Why do people like you comment. You’re not a fan see all the coverage and ask “Who cares?” This isn’t just about the fans of the NBA, that’s money coming back to the city. People will fill the stadiums, will go to the bars buy merchandise.