Big Ten Chumps! (Rejected Version)

To my followers, family, Facebook friends, and anybody else who ends up here:

Thanks for stopping by!  I appreciate you taking the time read this.  But I’d greatly appreciate it if you read this fine article on, as I earn a fraction of a penny per page view – and I’m hoping to earn enough this year to buy my wife a steak dinner – and I’m guessing she’d rather go to Misty’s over Steak ‘n Shake.



After every Nebraska football game, I produce a write-up for  I really enjoy writing for the site as I have very little editorial oversight (i.e. I can write pretty much anything I damn well please).  Of course, as my regular readers will tell you, I don’t test the boundaries very often.  I tend to stay away from the negative stuff, and I’ll usually allow myself a bit of a cooling down period after a loss.

But after Nebraska’s 70-31 loss to Wisconsin the Big Ten Championship game – the rare 39 point loss that was not as close as the final score indicated – I started in on my column soon after the game ended.  Heck, it was such a blowout that I was mentally writing it for much of the 4th quarter.

And for some strange reason, this version was initially rejected by HuskerMax.  I have no idea why…

So what did we learn?

I need some new swear word substitutes to use when watching a game with my daughter.  On the pick-6 that put Wisconsin up 14-0, there is a chance that I might have uttered an “oh dammit”.  Which, as anybody with a small child will tell you, was immediately repeated.  Since my wife was in changing my son’s diaper, I thought I was in the clear until one of the next drives when Montee Ball got free.  I didn’t say anything, but my daughter saw my pained face and said “DAMMIT”.  She stayed up until halftime, which meant I had to use “cheese & rice”, “God bless America”, “Mother Hubbard”, and the very Osborne-ian “dadgummit”.

In this series, whomever wears the red shirts, wins.  Both teams wear red at home, and both teams won at home.  As the home team on Saturday, Wisconsin got to wear red, and I think we know how that turned out.  A more disturbing revelation:  Nebraska hasn’t beaten Wisconsin when dressed as Nebraska since 1973.  They are 1-0 when dressed as Texas Tech.  If these teams meet again for the championship next year, Bo Pelini should agree to spot Wisconsin 14 points for the right to wear red jerseys.  Or was that what he tried to do this year?

Speaking of shirts, my condolences to the residents of Kenya who are soon to be wearing “Nebraska B1G Champs 2012” t-shirts and hats.  They will probably choose to go naked after the village’s soccer team starts giving up 14 goals a match, causing lame “Wisconsin just scored again” jokes from rival tribesmen.  (Thanks to my buddy Nate for the line).

So what don’t we know?

Wisconsin gets the fancy trophy and a trip to the Rose Bowl.  Do we get participation ribbons?  Maybe a sympathetic pat on the head from Jim Delaney?  At the very least, since Wisconsin scored 70 points, the ticket stub is worth a free Runza.  (Take that, Tim Miles!)

Will I ever be able to look at Bret Bielema again without picturing elderly Butthead from MTV’s Beavis & Butthead No, probably not.  Given the choice between this and the image of Bo raging on the sideline, I’ll take Bo.  (Wisconsin fans – you have earned the right to make a Cornholio rebuttal joke at your convenience).

When did the suplex become an acceptable method of tackling?  At the rate the game was going, I fully expected to see Wisconsin’s David Gilbert jumping over Brent Qvale from the top turnbuckle in an attempt to put Martinez in a figure four leg lock, while Chris Borland patrolled the secondary with a folding chair.

Tweets I Loved

Normally, I list five star players, key units, or underrated performers from the game.  But since everybody pretty much stunk up the joint, I’m going to go a different direction and share some of the best tweets I read from the game.  And since there were so many to choose from, I’m giving you ten.

  1. “This was the worst spring game ever.” – Jeff Sheldon (@OWHJeffSheldon)
  2. “Flagging Kenny Bell on that hit is writing a traffic ticket to the tree that totaled your speeding car.” – edsbs (‏@edsbs)
  3. “Surprise!!  I hope you fans enjoyed our unannounced special tribute to Bill Callahan!  #BonusGame” – Not TomOsborne (‏@FakeTomOsborne)
  4. “I want to see receipts for every single Wisconsin player tattoo. #Huskers” – Jake Bogus (@937jakebogus)
  5. “Punts fumbled: ZERO” – Fake Bo Pelini‏ (@FauxPelini)
  6. “I just clapped in the press box when they announced the end of the third quarter. I may get booted.” – Brian Rosenthal (‏@HuskerExtraBR)
  7. “Is this what it’s like to be a Colorado fan?  #tatonka” – Nate Carey (‏@nuhuskers1)
  8. “New penalty: “Illegal blocking of a guy” – Fake Bo Pelini (‏@FauxPelini)
  9. “Tomorrow’s headline in Wisconsin: NEBRASKICKING” – Darren Rovell (‏@darrenrovell)
  10. “Nebraska defenders look about like I did on a macroeconomics test in college when I realized I knew about 10 of the 50 questions. #thisugly” – Brian Christopherson (‏@HuskerExtraBC)

Honorable Mention:  Jim Beam, prescription heartburn medication, my happy place.

5 Areas for Improvement

  1. Mike Pereira.  Fox’s resident officiating “expert” did his best to explain and justify the bogus penalty on Kenny Bell, but just came off sounding like a spin doctor.  We get it – you are a former ref and you’re going to have the backs of the other refs when they make terrible calls, even if you have to do some nifty verbal tap dancing to pull it off.  Doesn’t make it right, though.
  2. Defensive timeouts.  Bo calls a defensive timeout during every game over the past five seasons, with the exception of the game where they give up 500+ yards rushing?  Makes perfect sense to me.
  3. Erin Andrews.  Once upon a time, I thought you were hot.  Then I saw a picture of you side-by-side with Trev Alberts and the resemblance was somewhere between uncanny and disconcerting.  Also, just because we’re in December, it doesn’t mean that you have to dress like an elf with your green pants and purple boots.
  4. Eddie George.  Every time you appear on a Nebraska football broadcast you should be required to preface any comments with “Tommie Frazier should have won the Heisman”.  Otherwise, you have zero credibility about football, and nobody should listen to a word you say.
  5. Cleatus.  Bad:  Fox feels they need to (over)use some ridiculous football player/robot hybrid on their broadcast.  Worse:  They gave that monstrosity a name (Cleatus).  Worst:  It has its own Twitter account (@CLEATUSonFOX).  Kill it with fire:  Here is the profile from Cleatus’s Twitter page:  “If comedy and sports had a baby, I’d deliver the baby! I’m misunderstood, self conscious and lactose intolerant. WWCD”.  May God be with all of the 18,585 morons who intentionally follow that account.

Trackbacks and Pingbacks

[…] measure up with some big name schools and coaches, but he only made the Big Ten Championship once (and we know how that ended).  Frankly, it rarely felt like he was close to getting back […]

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